Here is the call that we received for our pilot episode of Running Things Considered. It’s a new show where you call in with your personal running stories, would you rather questions and hypotheticals for our panel to discuss.
“Hey this is Claudio Irving from California and boy, do I have a question for you! So post track season last year, members of our team participated in what is known as the 6-12-18-24 challenge. Now one must in any order or combination run, drink beer, eat donuts and wank it. 6, 12, 18 or 24 times…without receiving any assistance or consuming any other food or drink during the challenge. Now keep in mind, this was in the wake of Nike’s Breaking2 attempt so we were really fired up to achieve something great and test the limits of our bodies minds and spirits. While typically this challenge is limited to a 24-hour period, we began at 8 a.m. with the intent of seeing whether anyone could complete it under 12. I chugged a redbull at 7:58 a.m. and opted to go for a few pre-24 mile donuts and intimate sessions. Needless to say, the rest of the challenge was the toughest physical challenge that I’ve ever attempted although I found the donuts to be quite enjoyable. The smell of bud light still haunt me until this day. There was a particular point where i found myself multi-tasking in the shower, which was without a doubt where I hit rock bottom. In the end, a final shotgun won me the challenge in 11 hours and 8 minutes. Both a personal and still-standing school record. So my question is: A) Is there anyone who has done this faster? B) Have any of you attempted the challenge? C) What in your opinion is the best way to complete this challenge?
We decided to dissect the call into several parts:
Hey this is Claudio Irving from California
Thoms: That is not a real name. At the same time, let’s take him at his word because he was brave enough to call. Why is he going first name, last name, location on something that involves him masturbating. Guys don’t even do that on porn websites. Imagine doing that on a cam girl website, “Hey, what’s up! I’m Claudio Irving from California and I am very much appreciating this live stream that you’re doing.” Thank you for giving us the explicit tag on our first episode.
So post track season last year, members of our team participated in what is known as the 6-12-18-24 challenge. Now one must in any order or combination run, drink beer, eat donuts and wank it.
Stephen: Wank it? When’s the last time…actually, I’ve never heard it call that.
Thoms: I think it’s a term within the Proud Boys Movement. They have their whole thing called “no wanks.”
Ryan: What the fuck is the Proud Boys Movement?
Thoms: It’s the alt-right group started by Gavin McInnes, who is the same guy who started Vice Media. It’s so weird. It’s this thing where you’re not supposed to jerk off and then to get initiated they beat the shit out of you until you can name five breakfast cereals.
Stephen: They hate some people?
Ryan: Minorities probably.
Thoms: It’s one of those things where they believe in having a White homeland here. I’m not defending Proud Boys here. Wanks is a term for them. The one thing that bothered me about this call is that he said, “One must…” You don’t have to do this.
Ryan: I am alive and therefore this is the only thing I should be doing.
…without receiving any assistance or consuming any other food or drink during the challenge.
Ryan: I’ve never heard that rule. That is insane.
Thoms: Yeah, no assistance? I don’t know someone wanking you off is still wanking to a certain level.
Stephen: The no water seems dangerous. That’s a lot of stuff that you would need water for.
Ryan: You should probably replenish.
Thoms: You know there’s some craft beer dude listening to this podcast in Bend, Oregon thinking, ‘Well he’s drinking Bud Light, which is practically water so it’s not really that big of a deal.’
Ryan: Fuck those craft beer guys.
Now keep in mind, this was in the wake of Nike’s Breaking2 attempt
Thoms: Do you think that Brett Kirby, one of the lead sports scientists behind the Nike Breaking2 attempt, sat in a board meeting at the Nike headquarters and goes, ‘Guys, I gotta tell you about this sub-two thing. One, we created one hecking good shoe. People love it. Two, we inspired a lot of people to go out and run marathons and push their bodies. Three, we produced the longest commercial of all-time. Four, we inspired a group of kids maybe in California but probably not to jerk off a bunch of times in one day and eat donuts.’ Do you think that they know that they inspired them?
Ryan: That’s the thing. When you make something, it can become anything…One you give something to the people. They’re going to take it and turn it into whatever. Like with Tide, they just wanted to make dishwasher soap. They’ve given it to the people and the people have decided to eat it.
Stephen: I think what we’ve proven over time is that humans will pervert any sort of thing to the point of masturbation apparently.
Ryan: At the end of the day, humans are all just dogs looking to hump a stuffed animal because it’s in our nature to hump.
were really fired up to achieve something great and test the limits of our bodies minds and spirits.
Thoms: Nope. Not great.
While typically this challenge is limited to a 24-hour period, we began at 8 a.m. with the intent of seeing whether anyone could complete it under 12. I chugged a redbull at 7:58 a.m…
Ryan: I just imagine some middle America town where these guys are in a ratty six-bedroom house and it’s now filled with 10 different guys trying to desperately find a place to jerk off and it’s disgusting. One guy is yelling, ‘No I called the bathroom!’ Another screams, ‘No! I’m in the closet!’ ‘Get out of the laundry room!’
Stephen: A lot of sheets were solid after that day. You could break a few of them over your knee.
Thoms: That’s disgusting. So gross.
Stephen: It’s like a leathered piece of cowhide. ‘THAT WAS MY TOWEL BOBBY!’
And opted to go for a few pre-24 mile donuts and intimate sessions
Thoms: I think that’s worse than trying to find a place to jerk off. Do not call it an intimate session. You don’t need to call it an intimate session because that makes me worry what you’re doing. You just don’t need to describe it that way. It strikes me as the kind of term used by a guy who has never had sex before but is trying to be pick up artist when he uses that term.
Needless to say, the rest of the challenge was the toughest physical challenge that I’ve ever attempted although I found the donuts to be quite enjoyable.
Thoms: You think he’s calling from RedBull’s corporate HQ. Like it’s kind of gross that the only corporate sponsor or logo is that he mentions RedBull like a minute into the call.
Ryan: I think we got duped.
Thoms: He mentions “Needless to say…” He should’ve started the call with that.
The smell of bud light still haunt me until this day. There was a particular point where i found myself multi-tasking in the shower, which was without a doubt where I hit rock bottom.
Ryan: Do you think when he says ‘Hit rock bottom’ he means in his life or in the challenge?
Thoms: I think it qualifies that he hit rock bottom in his life but I would argue that happened when they said, ‘Maybe we should try it in 12 hours.’
Stephen: What happened in that shower that caused him to think that?
Thoms: A donut in the shower can be pretty gross.
Stephen: Here we are. Without context, I think a donut in the shower could be pretty nice. I’ve never done it but I would.
Ryan: That seems very sticky.
In the end, a final shotgun won me the challenge in 11 hours and 8 minutes. Both a personal and still-standing school record.
Thoms: So this involves the lowest point of his life but he’s calling it a personal record.
Stephen: He’s a confused person.
Ryan: If you shit your pants during a marathon, I’d imagine that publicly running through the streets with shit coming down your shorts is pretty embarrassing and it could be a low point but you qualify for the Olympic Trials. Tit for tat.
Thoms: But then he calls it a school record, which means this has been discussed among others.
Ryan: You think there’s a placard that’s hanging by the indoor track with his name on it? Claudio Irving, 12 jerkoffs in under 12 hours.
Thoms: This is something that the women’s team has found out about. It was presented to them as ‘Check out this cool thing that the guy’s team did.’ It just did not go off that well. This caller is giving us this ‘Check out what I did’ but I don’t know how great this challenge is. His last question was whether we know of anyone who has done it faster?
Ryan: No. Because that’s never been the point.
Thoms: Do you know what the point of this call was? To validate him doing it. He wants to know that he’s the fastest person in the world at this.
Ryan: That’s not cool.
Thoms: It doesn’t matter. He did it and he’s probably the world record holder at this. My problem is that I don’t want to encourage other people doing this. I think we need to talk to our lawyers about this. We did not tell you to attempt this challenge. Legal disclaimer.