I have a friend who wishes to keep his name out of this post, but who is a real gem of a guy.

We ran together in college, and became very close friends. I knew this would be the case when we went on a run together early on during his freshman year. We had just entered Central Park through the northwest entrance, and he got to ranting about a John Cusack movie he liked called “Better Off Dead.”

I interrupted his tirade to quote a scene, which he wasn’t expecting, I guess, because he immediately tripped and rolled partway down a grass embankment adjacent to the road. He bounced back up laughing maniacally and explained that he had never known another person who liked that movie.

That’s the kind of guy he is. He also is the kind of guy who emailed me a few weeks back with a short list of real track meets that have very funny names; he added some commentary after each name on the list, too. I’ve done no editing to the original email, which is copied and pasted below.

Please enjoy. I hope you all have a friend like him.

• Oval of Pain Invitational–Seattle, WA: (Would probably put this one last— Is is a track meet or fetish porn?)
• Lack of Lines Spectacula–Maplepleton, OR: Stupid name
• Ritchie County Pizza House Invitational–Ritchie Co., WV: (Combine with next)
• Dickies Barbeque Invitational–Independence Sr. High, Sophia, WV: West Virginia has a great grasp on corporate sponsorship
• Wells Fargo Burnet Bulldogs Relays–Burnet, TX: Texas is not so good with corporate sponsorship… Wells Fargo recently created 100 fake accounts using this meet’s name and personal information
• Lousiana Farm Bureau Invitational–Zachary, LA: I began writing this thinking “What possible audience could the farm bureau hope to reach by sponsoring a high school track meet?” Then I realized I never knew about the Louisiana Farm Bureau until I saw that meet. Kudos Farm Bureau. Good marketing.
• Chubby Marks Relays–Brother Martin High, New Orleans, LA: I like to think that this is named after a guy, last name Marks, who used to be fat and heroically lost 300 lbs but couldn’t seem to shake the nickname.
• Festus Early Bird Invitational–Festus, MO: Of course there is a town in Missourah named Festus.
• Snowflake Invitational–Snowflake, AZ: This high school was called General Patton High until this past election, when the younger generation was deemed too soft to represent that name with valor.
• White Castle Sugar Relays–White Castle, LA: In 2015, Louisiana was found to be the state with the highest obesity rate… No wonder they name their towns White Castle and their local athletic exhibition the “Sugar Invitational”
• Scotus Relays–Columbus, NE: Freshman newcomer Neil Gorsuch attempted the steeplechase only to come away with a broken nose after clipping a barrier and smashing his face. Senior all-star Ruth Bader Ginsberg sets new age group record (over 115 years old) in shot put.