By Stephen Kersh
February 19, 2017
In a petit homage to the NBA All-Star game – an annual circus event featuring all the best ball dribblers and basket dunkers our country has to offer – I’ve arranged an All-Star team of current-day track and field athletes. While they lack any semblance of impressive size, leaping ability, court vision, and would definitely be confused for the person whose job it is to hand LeBron a cup of water or towel of Anthony Davis’ brow, they make up for it in friendliness and relate-ability. Alright here we go.
WEST ALL-STARS
Starters:
Casimir Loxsom – Like Giannis Antetokounmpo because of a cool name, but unlike Giannis Antetokounmpo because many reasons. Loxsom is a stud at the 600m which, while usually worthless, will be a contested distance at this year’s USATF Indoor Championships, so he is probably happy about that. Nice.
Ben Blankenship – Blankenship has had a great start to his year after running a world-lead in the 1,500 yesterday in Birmingham (not Alabama) and would also be willing to kill opponents with a screwdriver after a tough loss. Our modern-day Bill Lambieer.
Jenny Simpson – Rumor has it Simpson can pull of a layup with relative dexterity and ease. After setting a world record in the DMR earlier this year, having Simpson at the point guard position would anchor (track reference, +10 points) this team.
Brett Gotcher – Gotcher has transitioned from elite marathoner to elite real estate agent in the past few months, but holy sh*t can this guy dunk. Check out a video of him throwing down on a regulation-sized hoop.
So while he may not be at his peak as a runner, he gets in on technicality and a knack for hosting an incredibly tasteful open house.
Edward Cheserek – Even though his form while he sprints makes me question if he can dribble a basketball, Cheserek sneaks on the squad as our sole collegiate. He seems like a nice guy and would definitely shake everyone’s hand before and after the game. If this game comes down to sportsmanship, watch for Eddy Cheddar to shoulder the load.
Reserve(s): Breaux Greer
EAST ALL-STARS
Starters:
Sandi Morris – Sandi would without a doubt be the strongest athlete on the court. Couple that with her ignorance with respect to gravity and I think we got ourselves a high-flying ball player.
Johnny Gregorek – LENGTH. This kid’s got it! I hear this is an important part of getting the ball from point A to point B. Gregorek’s Mom and Dad were also successful runners, which is helpful as demonstrated by professional athlete Eli Manning and his parents Peyton and Archie.
Ben True – After inventing fire, building a log cabin, and winning the Millrose Games two-mile last weekend, True gets the All-Star nod. His reclusive nature leads me to believe he is some sort of Animorph transitioning between bald eagle and American hero.
As to not gloss over anything, yes, True invented fire.
Paul Chelimo – Chelimo would get into the game purely on the basis of his confusing, slightly-meta tweets but his undefeated season strengthens his case. I think the most apt NBA comparison for Chelimo would be nobody because his exceedingly tiny waist. Also just imagine track and field’s version of the DeAndre Joran emoji madness that transpired. It would certainly feature Chelimo in some way.
Ajee’ Wilson – Like Kwame Brown because she skipped college and went directly to the pro ranks. Unlike Kwame Brown because she is very good and probably doesn’t have a poor size-to-hand ratio.
Reserve(s):He may be retired but Liam Boylan-Pett could once dunk. Just check out his Twitter avatar.
Stephen Kersh
Former collegiate runner for University of Portland and Georgetown, currently a professional runner weighing sponsorship offers from no one. Enjoys using the internet to message Scott Olberding and Paul Snyder about bad story ideas. Does not assume he will work at Citius much longer due to the bad story ideas. He once gave a TED Talk titled "Twitter: How We Are All Just Shouting into a Vacuum" to his best friend and his girlfriend on the beaches of Connecticut.