Over the weekend, a teen ran in a 1:11:53 half-marathon. Teen or not, a 71-minute half-marathon is nothing sneeze at. But had this teen happened to have sneezed mid-race, he would have been able to mop up his snot with shoes. That’s because his shoes were Crocs. Crocs are constructed from some amalgamation of recycled Kleenex, banana peels, and sacred ore. This straight-up ancient alchemy creates a soft shoe championed by babies and gardeners alike.

And yet, an emblazoned teen named Benjamin Pachev is out here dropping 5:20 pace for 13 miles in these composted sneakers. That’s incredible. A Croc is basically a highly-offensive sandal that you can also use to strain pasta. Benjamin Pachev is a rebellious teen who must be stopped.

Below are some excerpts from the local news story, and my questions, about the 500 Festival Mini-Marathon where Benjamin croc’d his way to a 16th-place overall finish.

“He didn’t bother lacing up his shoes at the starting line. That’s because his shoes didn’t have laces.”

– EXTERIOR-

A smoky pool hall. One teen is shooting billiards by himself. A man approaches.

MAN

Hey. Kid. Your shoes ain’t got no laces.

TEEN

*hits a perfect shot, 8-ball corner pocket, turns to the man*

That’s because.. *PAUSE as TEEN finishes his soda* .. They’re Crocs.

TEEN proceeds to sprint out of the pool hall, Crocs firmly secured to his feet.

SCENE

I wrote this as a movie script because a) I wanted to and b) “That’s because his shoes didn’t have laces” jumps out to me as the beginnings of an urban legend.

“He actually chose to run in Crocs, and the shoe choice definitely didn’t slow him down.”

No offense to Benjamin, or the journalist tasked to write about his Croc-scapade, but the shoes definitely slowed Benjamin down. They are literally made from rice wafers. The shoe is like a sponge for downward force and as a non-scientist I feel like I can make this claim: the shoe wastes energy. NIKE just spent 12 billion dollars attempting to find the cure for the non-two-hour marathon and what they manufactured is not a Croc. Not saying they nailed it, but I’m certain the Crocs slowed Benjamin down.

“People look over at me and say what the heck are you thinking?” he said.

Yes.

“500 Festival Communication Director Sabrina List says he’s also very smart. He already has a bachelor’s degree in applied mathematics from BYU.”

“There’s two kinds of smaht in this world. Book smaht, and street smaht. You only need one.” – Mark Wahlberg to his children.

Benjamin only has one.

“His dad, Alexander Pachev, who goes by the nickname Sasha, also ran the mini-marathon in Crocs with an incredible time of 1:16:07. He claims to be the fastest father of ten in the half marathon.”

Are you shitting me.

“Benjamin says the family finds Crocs to be effective because they don’t cause blisters on their feet, and also keep their feet cool.

‘It’s like having a little fan that’s just streaming air over your foot,’ Benjamin said.”

I’ve changed my mind. This is beautiful. A whole family, in Crocs, imagining little, tiny fans blowing all over their feet while they run together. Admittedly cultish, but absolutely heart-warming.

“Benjamin says the shoes are also fairly durable, lasting roughly 2,000 miles of before showing any signs of wearing down. He says he currently he runs about 65 miles per week.”

The Pachev family is full of preposterous Croc claims, but this is the most incredulous. 2000 divided by 65 is 30 (HOW’S THAT FOR DATA?). That means Benjamin can put in 30 weeks, or seven and a half months, of training before he is forced to re-Croc. Either the Pachev’s are lobbyists for Big Croc (and are also confused about the importance of planned obsolescence) or they have made the biggest breakthrough in running footwear since everyone realized Vibram Five-Fingers cause horrendous injuries.

Next time you belly up to the start line and the guy or gal next to you is in Crocs, be afraid. Be very afraid.