Are you a Massachusetts resident, but not one lucky enough to be getting Monday off from work? Or are you simply a poor shmuck who lives in the other 99.9% of the world, which sadly, continues spinning on Patriots’ Day? Resigned to another lousy Boston Marathon that you simply cannot engage with?

No need to pout. Here at Citius Mag, we’ve done all the legwork, and like a mother bird regurgitating masticated worm-particulate into her baby’s mouth, have spelled out how to make the most of your Marathon Monday.

How to follow the race

Like most books, marathons are best enjoyed when ingested in small bites, and never start-to-finish. 26.2 miles is a long way to run. It’s also a long way to watch. Skip out on the online broadcast (NBC Sports), and tune into our Twitter.com page (@CitiusMag). I’ll be watching the broadcast (so you don’t have to), and then disseminating pertinent info via Tweet.

Splits. Runners looking “smooth”/”not smooth.” Tasteful cursing. Only on Twitter.

How to snack like a Bostonian

They don’t call it Beantown for nothin’, baby. Go to the pantry, grab a can of baked beans, then use a can-opener to crack that puppy open. Dump the beans onto a microwave-safe plate, then heat ‘em up. Carefully remove the crackling plate of beans from the zapper, and garnish with a spurt of ketchup—that’s called “liberty legumes,” a truly authentic Boston treat!

And wash down your beany feast with a pint of Samuel Adams Lager, concealed the Boston way. On your way to work, stop by a Dunkin Donuts location and get yourself a large, hot coffee, with as much milk and sugar as the employee is legally allowed to serve you. Once settled in at your desk, pour your coffee into a pint glass, then fill your empty Dunkin cup with a lukewarm bottle of S.A.L. (Locals call this crafty maneuver the “midnight ride.”)

What to wear

Let your coworkers or parole officer know that you mean business (and by business, you mean you intend to pay close attention to the events unfolding along a 26-mile corridor stretching from Hopkinton, MA, to downtown Boston, MA) by donning a throw-back Doug Flutie, Boston College, crop top replica jersey. Exposed midriffs “frowned upon” in your workplace? Wear form-fitting, Under Armour base layer. How’s that for airtight adherence to the rules?

A partial list of classic Boston cheers and expressions you can yell as things happen during the race

• “Wicked pissah” — good
• “Beantown Boy” — male in Boston doing something good
• “Medford Mama” — female in Boston doing something good
• “The class of Mass.” — informal term of endearment for one who does a good job
• “Brady, baby!” — standard greeting/exclamation of joy
• “Charles water” — nickname for any liquid, i.e. Gatorade
• “Brookline Boogie” — to run

With your beans and your brew, your shirt and your slang, you’re read to cheer on your favorite runners. Cheers!