The Olympic Games: a lot of people don’t want ’em in their city
This week, the International Olympic Committee’s Evaluation Commission is paying its visit to Los Angeles, to–uh–evaluate the city’s readiness to host the 2024 Olympic Games. Then next week, the same spectral, influence-wielding figures will descend upon Paris for the same purpose.
In all likelihood, nothing will come from these precursory appraisals and the two cities’ bidding committees will enter closed-door discussions with the IOC, much to the chagrin of a sizable chunk of their populaces.
Per a 2016 study by Oxford University, since 1960, Summer Olympic Games have–on average–overrun their initially stated budgets by 176%. In that same time frame, the average final cost of hosting the Summer Games averages out to about $5.2 billion.
To host the Olympics, a prospective host city has to agree to cover cost overruns using taxpayer funds.
So not only do residents of would-be Olympic cities foot the bill for a major percentage of the event’s costs, but they have to also suffer through the weeks-long annoyances that accompany a strained infrastructure, and public services stretched thin. And with tickets to Olympic events being prohibitively expensive for the majority of almost any city’s residents, there’s really no incentive on an individual basis to support such an undertaking.
That’s why in recent years, public outcry from citizens of would-be hosts has grown louder. It’s also why for the 2024 bid, only two cities remain in the running.
Perhaps in anticipation of these public anti-Olympic perceptions only growing stronger, the IOC has stated it will likely announce the host city of both the 2024 and 2028 Olympic Games this September, breaking standard protocol of naming the victor seven years ahead of time.
Paris hates the idea, and says hosting in 2028 is not an option, from a logistical standpoint. Los Angeles also hates the idea, just slightly less–its bid committee hasn’t completely ruled out hosting in 2028, but is pretty clear it would prefer 2024.
And that’s just the officials who are actively trying to woo the IOC. Parisians and Angelenos are already mobilizing at the grassroots level to explicitly voice their opposition to what’s pretty easily considered a squandering of public funds, for the economic gain of large corporations, and for the entertainment of the rich.
So don’t have the Olympics in cities
That’s why Citius Mag has formulated the following proposal: ladies and gentlemen, say hello to “Man-made Floating Garbage Island 2024’s” Olympic bid.
Location–this one’s pretty self-explanatory; we will gather up thousands of tons of garbage, and compact it into a floating artificial landmass, which will bob around in the Pacific Ocean along the Tropic of Cancer.
Venues–these will also be constructed of garbage.
Mascot–“Trashy,” the lovable bag of trash, made from actual trash. Small totems will be given to medalists called “Hypies” which are sterilized hypodermic needles with googly eyes glued to them.
Costs–Ja Rule will be brought on as a special adviser, to ensure that only the stupidest and wealthiest people are inclined to attend; by charging $100,000+ per attendee, money spent on building out accommodations and infrastructure will be kept at a minimum, while raising considerable capital per person. Technocrats like Elon Musk will be brought on board as well, to invest heavily in floating garbage, and to build a temporary HyperLoop to mainland China, and San Francisco.
Events–if a sport’s required equipment cannot be fashioned out of garbage, it’s not happening. This is going to be the greenest games yet.
Impact on surrounding area–this will be kept to a minimum by ensuring no human lives within several hundred miles of the garbage island. At the conclusion of the Games, the island will be blasted into smaller pieces, then attached to rockets, and fired off into orbit.