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October 3, 2017

LEAKED: Abandoned ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ Script – Larry Ducks Out Of A Charity 5K

FADE IN:

EXT. CLASSY FUNDRAISING EVENT AT THE LA BREA TAR PITS – EARLY EVENING

A small, distinguished crowd of Los Angeles industry heavy-hitters schmooze over cocktails and hors d’oeuvres. A banner reading “POLISH THE PITS” hangs above the action.

CUT TO:

JEFF, holding two small paper plates of skewered meats, has pulled LARRY aside to speak to him out of earshot of SUSIE.

JEFF

Larry, I’m telling you, you should’ve gotten Cheryll into philanthropy. It would’ve saved your marriage.

LARRY

I know! Look at Susie!

CUT TO:

SUSIE, beaming, and glowing as if illuminated by an atmospheric, angelic light source, laughs and gestures along with a small crowd of gala attendees.

LARRY (offscreen)

I’ve never seen her so happy!

CUT TO:

JEFF and LARRY continue to chat.

JEFF (while chewing)

I know! Granted, I have no fucking clue what “polish the pits” means but I’m just glad it’s given Susie something to do. You know how mopey she got when Sammi went to college.

LARRY

Ya know, some people just want a sense of purpose — I mean, I don’t get it but–

SUSIE steps into frame, directly between JEFF and LARRY. She pantomimes wiping sweat from her brow but smiles as if to say “this is exhausting, but I’m loving it,” before giving JEFF a peck on the cheek.

SUSIE

Hi honey, chew with your mouth closed. Ah! Larry! I’m so happy you came! What do you think? Isn’t this wonderful? Aren’t you having fun?

LARRY

Yeah! It’s great! And what a cause! Love those pits! (Inhales) Love that fresh tar smell!

SUSIE chuckles and playfully hits Larry.

SUSIE

You joke, but the pits are an important ecological region with great historical–

SUSIE trails off, noticing LARRY and JEFF are no longer paying attention, as their gazes are both transfixed on the…

CUT TO:

Ample cleavage of a BUSTY GALA ATTENDEE in a low-cut dress

SUSIE (offscreen)

Are you two fucking serious?

CUT TO:

Larry and Jeff blinking rapidly, as if coming to following a trance.

JEFF

What? No! The important ecology!

LARRY

The great history! It’s great! The history!

SUSIE

Whatever. Well since you’re having such a great time here, Larry, why don’t you come to another fundraiser I’m organizing next Saturday to keep Jeff company.

JEFF (chewing again)

What? What thing? A week from tomorrow? What?

SUSIE (growing visibly angry, the angelic glow fading from her, the atmospheric lighting taking on a darker, redder hue)

You’re fucking kidding. I’ve been talking about it for months.

JEFF (panicking)

Oh, oh, OH!!! THAT event! My mistake, I got my dates crossed! Yeah, couldn’t be more excited for the–that event! You’re gonna love it Larry.

LARRY

Well? What is it? Golf? Auction?

CUT TO:

The BUSTY GALA ATTENDEE’s stiletto slips into a divot in the ground. She bends forward, facing LARRY and JEFF, to remedy the situation.

SUSIE (offscreen)

It’s gonna be great. It’s a charity fundraiser 5k-run for rheumatoid arthritis patients. Great cause. Great organization.

CUT TO:

Alternating close up shots of LARRY’s and JEFF’s faces, staring, mouths agape.

SUSIE (continues speaking offscreen)

We’re hoping to raise $20,000 for research and various salves, balms, and creams. You have to get pledges from people who will sponsor you if you finish the run.

CUT TO:

Cleavage, then back to SUSIE speaking.

SUSIE

It’s called the “Roll for Rheumatoid” and it starts outside of that new bowling alley in Los Feliz–you know the place, everyone’s talking about it. Anyway, what do you say? Think you can be bothered to attend?

(BEAT)

Larry? Larry?!

LARRY (frazzled)

What? Yeah! Yeah! The bowling alley. Roll for, whatever…uh, rheumatoid! Yeah I’ll do it, I’ll do it.

CUT TO:

JEFF nods vigorously, also confused but seemingly relieved to have dodged SUSIE’s ire, somehow.

SUSIE, still dour, excuses herself brusquely and resumes chatting with the other guests.

JEFF

Holy shit. You caught all that?

LARRY

What? You kidding me? I have no idea what I just signed up for… I tell you what. Why don’t you go ask Susie to repeat herself.

JEFF

I can’t do that. You do it.

LARRY

You know I can’t do that either!

JEFF

Maybe it’s not such a big deal? It’s a charity thing at a bowling alley. We can just go off context.

LARRY

You’re right. Bowling. Eh. I don’t really bowl. You know what? I think I’m gonna take off.

JEFF

Alright. I’ll call you tomorrow. And you know you can’t bail on this. Have your assistant pick up some bowling shoes. It’ll be fun.

LARRY

Fine.

LARRY begins walking away. A random attendee calls to him, chiding him for not saying goodbye.

INT. LARRY’S APARTMENT – THE FOLLOWING SATURDAY MORNING

LARRY places a pair of red and white bowling shoes into a leather totebag. He is wearing khaki slacks and a black sweater. In the background, a television weatherman’s voice warns that today will be exceptionally warm. LARRY shrugs and clicks off the television as he answers his ringing phone. It’s JEFF.

CUT TO:

JEFF is driving his car, while speaking to LARRY via speaker phone. He is extremely sweaty, despite the car’s air conditioning on full blast.

JEFF

Larry. I’ll be outside your place in a few minutes. We’re running late so go outside now so I don’t have to wait.

LARRY (on the phone)

What? How much time does it take to park and ring the doorbell? 15 seconds? You know, you could even honk! In this situation a honk is acceptable etiquette!

JEFF

Ah, you know I hate the honk. I can’t do the honk.

LARRY (on the phone)

Well I’m not waiting outside like some sort of jilted prom date!

JEFF

Larry, just do it. Susie’ll kill me if we’re late.

LARRY (on the phone)

Fine. Fine. I’ll be outside. Hurry up would ya, it’s miserable out here.

EXT. LARRY’S APARTMENT – A FEW MINUTES LATER

LARRY stands outside on the curb, overdressed for the weather and with the strap from his leather bag stretched across his chest. Beads of sweat are pouring down his face and forehead. We pan out to see JEFF pulling up to LARRY’s place. LARRY opens the passenger door and gets inside.

EXT. THE BOWLING ALLEY – SEVERAL MORE MINUTES LATER

JEFF and LARRY turn a corner to see the scene outside the bowling alley. Both are wearing long sleeves and long pants, and both are carrying bags with bowling equipment. They are increasingly sweaty, and both come to a complete stop when they realize the charity event is a 5k fun run. Around them, appropriately dressed people jog around, stretching, drinking water.

SUSIE materializes before them.

SUSIE

What the hell are you two wearing.

LARRY

What the hell are we wearing? What the hell are you trying to pull? Duping people into running at a bowling alley?!

SUSIE

Duping? Larry, this is for charity! Reumato–

LARRY

Rheumatoid arthritis! Right! And what kind of cruel signal does a charity run give to the rheumatoids?! They can’t run!

JEFF

He’s got a point.

SUSIE

Uh-uh. No. No excuses from you. You knew about this. What are those? Did you bring bowling shoes?! To a run? You’re worthless. You didn’t listen to a thing I told you about this event.

LARRY

In his defense, think about the CONTEXT!

JEFF

Right, the context!

SUSIE

The context?! It’s a 5k run! For charity!

LARRY

A 5k run for charity outside of a bowling alley?! You gotta admit that’s rife for misinterpretation!

SUSIE

Jesus Christ. Then why is nobody else dressed like they’re in a senior citizens bowling league?!

CUT TO:

LARRY’s perspective pans around him, confirming he and JEFF are the only ones in bowling garb.

LARRY

Regardless. I’m not doing it. It’s hot. I’d be uncomfortable. This sweater doesn’t really breathe. I’m, I’m just not gonna do it.

SUSIE

Oh you can’t just not do it! You said you were gonna do it!

Suddenly, a voice calls out over a megaphone, announcing the presence of Seinfeld co-creator, LARRY. The runners all turn to face him, applauding, but looking confused as they notice how he’s dressed. The voice adds that LARRY will be running this race in honor of all those who suffer from rheumatoid arthritis.

LARRY begins making pleading, self-excusing hand gestures.

LARRY

Oh, no. No, I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to do it.

His voice is drowned out by the applause from the crowd. He continues to say he’s not going to run. The applause eventually ceases, allowing the crowd to hear LARRY, who is now shouting.

LARRY

I’m, I’m not really dressed for it, you know? This is wool. Wool! It doesn’t breathe.

The runners exchange disappointed and disapproving glances with one another, then turn and jog toward the starting line so the race can begin.

SUSIE turns her back to LARRY and shoots JEFF a glare.

JEFF (quietly, tersely, to LARRY)

Thanks a lot, asshole.

(louder, to SUSIE)

Coming honey. I knew it was a run. I dressed like this because I figured I could use the sweat.

JEFF trots away from LARRY as well. LARRY shrugs and walks to a card table with dozens of cups of water on it. He reaches for one before he is interrupted by a woman volunteering at the water station. LARRY recognizes her.

BUSTY GALA ATTENDEE

I’m sorry, the water is just for the runners.

LARRY

What? It’s hot. I’m thirsty. C’mon. Just one cup.

BUSTY GALA ATTENDEE

I’m sorry. I can’t let you take that cup.

LARRY

I’ve already touched this one! You can’t take it back. No runner would want this! It has my germs!

The BUSTY GALA ATTENDEE reaches and grabs the cup. She and LARRY tug back and forth at it, sloshing water out, until LARRY looses his grip and lets go. The remaining water splashes onto the woman’s white t-shirt.

LARRY pauses to stare.

BUSTY GALA ATTENDEE slaps him.

FADE OUT:

Theme song plays

 

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