Another seven-day cycle of suffering, and another weekly update of Self-Help for the Helpless.

Best of luck to you, Coach Gary. Give these kids some solid advice.

Ha! You’re back. Just like I said you’d be. (Editor’s note: after fact checking last week’s post, we have found there was no evidence of Coach Gary insinuating you would not be back). I’d like to start this week off by telling you something: the Golden State Warriors are not good at basketball. I don’t give a flippin’ flyin’ hoot if they just won some trophy either! They flat out do not play roundball the way it is supposed to be played. The beauty of the game relies on a point guard who performs fundamentally sound CHEST passes with TWO hands and a 6’8” center who does NOT dunk because he PREFERS a lay-up. Those Warriors are playin’ some kind of devil-ball, and until Commissioner Silver answers my letters pleading to give a lifetime ban to Draymond Green for that weiner photo, I will not be watching the NBA.

Sheesh! Anywho. Let’s see what’s plaguing the mind of our youth these days.

Dear Coach Gary, can you give me some summer training tips? Last summer I ran twice, but I think I’m ready for more! – Excited in Evansville

I seriously hope you failed to proofread your question and there’s typo in there. Why doesn’t anyone proofread anymore? HECK IT DRIVES ME NUTS! I used to submit race entries on a typewriter. Do you even know what a typewriter is? Sorry – but there ain’t no CTRL + ALT + DELETE on those, bub! If I made a screwup, it was on me to fix it. I couldn’t blame an apple or Mr. Macintosh for my flub-up. Heck.

Dear Coach Gary, how should I carbo-load? My teammates always eat a bunch of Ricky’s mom’s pasta before races, but it makes my stomach feel funny the next day. Any advice? – Probably have Celiac in Pasadena

A.E.P!

Always Eat Pasta.

First day of fall practice, I find my biggest, most badass sharpie and I write “AEP” on the foreheads of all my athletes. Some kids parents will tell me they can’t eat pasta because some nonsense disease called blahblahblah, but I’ll sneak their son or daughter some buttered noodles as often as I can. Usually 10-15 minutes before a hard workout, I’ll set up a nice pasta feed for the kids. They love it, we all laugh, and then they all puke after the workout. Love these kids.

Dear Coach Gary, I’m pretty fit after my track season and I want to run a fast 800 this summer. Can you give me a race plan? I completely trust you. — Lookin’ to get Lactic in Louisville

First off, of course you trust me. I was the 2003 Washington State District 2A Cross Country Coach-of-the-Year for cripes sake! Below is my famous 800-meter Race Plan.

1. Find some blocks. There’s no rule (or at least there shouldn’t be!) against requesting blocks. A block start encourages proper posture and helps get you out HARD. Which is what you want.
2. Respect the first curve! I’ve had several runners fall on the first curve. I don’t know why this happens. Don’t let it happen to you!
3. SPRINT! The 800 is short enough where you should be able to sprint the entire time. If you ever hear different, argue to your death.
4. Wear shoes, not spikes. Some folks don’t do this and I don’t get it. If you wear spikes, then you have to change into them at some point before the race. If you do that, you’re wasting time! A proper warm up with calisthenics is more important than needles poking out of your shoes. Avoid spikes! Also, they’re sharp and dangerous.

Good luck! You’re gonna need it. Ha!