FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Flagstaff, AZ: Paul Snyder, elite endurance athlete and the first man to publicly state his intentions to break 2:00 for the 800-meter run, has succumbed to a self-diagnosed stress fracture.
His world record attempt, known throughout the running community as Debajo Dos, which is Spanish for “Under Dos,” has been postponed until further notice. It was initially slated to take place on April 20th.
He first noticed a faint pain in his left foot in early April, attempted to power through it, but was forced to accept the gravity of his situation after a particularly unpleasant jog on Saturday, April 8th, while vacationing in New York City.
After completion of said run, a nine-miler from Manhattan’s Upper West Side to Park Slope in Brooklyn, he immediately attempted to stymie his bone-malfunction with a hearty meal of Indian food, but noticed no improvements to the injury despite ingesting close to a pound of chicken tikka masala.
He has not run a step since.
“I knew this was a distinct possibility,” said Snyder from his Flagstaff home, lying beneath a mound of blankets having been placed under bed rest. “A lot of people compared what I was doing to the mythical tale of Icarus, and even though I was sure to avoid looking at any painting by Bruegel during the course of my training—lest I jinx myself—I flew too close to the proverbial sun anyway, and melted my damn wax wings.”
Snyder was advised by a team of pseudo-scientists, wellness advocates, and sponsored indirectly by Monster energy drink. He took every possible precaution during his high-intensity training cycle, and had a top-notch team behind him. But the human body is an unpredictable, fleshy bag of mysteries, and injuries do happen.
“At this point, I just want to rest my ailing hoof, and figure out what went wrong, Snyder added. “I hope the media and the fans will respect my privacy during this difficult time.”
Debajo Dos is not over. It is merely on hold. Snyder is slated to begin a series of calcium-rich milk injections in the coming weeks, and expects to be back on his feet, rehabbing within two months.
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