Rarely do runners find themselves in the headlines of non-running-centric journalistic outlets. That’s just the way it is, and unless you discover a dead body during your morning run, help a wobbly-kneed competitor across the finish line at a local 5K, or get steamrolled by a deer during a cross country meet, that’s probably the way it’s going to stay.
But an unidentified jogging Denver man found a way to make a splash, and stir up some buzz among the local press this week, utilizing an unprecedented methodology: by assaulting a cyclist.
Yesterday, News 9 (Colorado’s NBC affiliate), reported the incident, which took place on the trails of North Table Mesa in Golden, a town best known for as the headquarters of Coors. The cyclist’s account of the attack went a little something like this:
He was cycling up a hill on the mesa trails near his suburban Denver home, when he came up on a headphone-wearing jogger. He rang his bike’s bell a couple of times to no avail, at which point a second mountain-biker crested the hill, and began descending toward the inadvertently stand-off-ing duo. The second cyclist yielded the right of way to the jogger, but motioned to him that a biker was trying to pass from behind. The jogger then pulled off to the side, and the victim cycled on past, shaking his head at the jogger’s headphone-induced lack of spatial awareness. And boy, did this ever set him off! The jogger then purportedly shouted “shake your head at me again, and I’ll beat your motherfucking ass!” Thinking little of the regular-aggressive response to his passive-aggression, the cyclist continued on his ride.
Twenty minutes later he cross paths again with the enraged jogger, but pulled off to the side to let him pass. But the jogger didn’t jog past as expected. Instead he grabbed the cyclist by the throat, punched him in the helmet repeatedly, and chucked his bike off a cliff.
The jogger jogged off after finishing his attack, then our cyclist plucked himself up, hobbled down to his bike, and walked the wreckage back to the trailhead after calling the cops and his wife.
The cyclist, going only as Andrew, gave no last name, but wrote about the encounter on a popular recreational cycling blog, drunkcyclist.com, under the pseudonym “40 Hands.”
Now for a few quick takes:
- Assaulting people is bad, except for maybe in a handful of instances, and we don’t encourage it.
- This is going to give the anti-headphone camp a lot of ammunition, but as a proponent of jogging to music, let me get my two cents in. If you’re going to listen to a dumb podcast while exercising, please avoid trails. Hell, avoid trails regardless because they are rocky, often steep, and can contain snakes.
- It’s really hard for me to sympathize with a cyclist-blogger named “40 Hands,” but color me sympathetic this time.
- Just going to speculate here, but those investigating this incident need to post up at the nearest CrossFit gym because I’d bet $50 this “jogger” flips a mean tire.
- I’m all for runners doing stupid things to get attention. However you wanna validate yourself is fine by me, except when it gets in the way of somebody else’s living. So please, Citius readers, unless it’s in self-defense or something similar, please refrain from attacking other recreational exercisers to get your 15-minutes of fame.
No arrests have been made at this point, but if you might have information on the jogging assailant, here’s some information from Andrew “40 Hands” on what to do and what to look for:
Basic description is white male, somewhere in his 30s-40s, 6 feet tall, and somewhere between 180-190 pounds. On that day he was wearing black shorts, wrap around headphones, and a black or dark blue shirt with either “COM” or “COR” on it. Given that he was able to duck into a local neighborhood and wasn’t found, it seems likely that he lives in Golden and will be back out on North Table Mountain. If you encounter someone that fits that description please reach out to either the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office (303) 271-0211, or the Jefferson County Open Space (303) 271-5925. Also, if you have any information you think might be helpful you can email me at [email protected].
And if you, dear reader, were the jogging assailant, turn yourself in, you fucking doofus.