The internet–as its wont to do–was sent into a frenzy. Posters opined that Eminem is now rightfully president, thanked the 8-Mile star for his service, welcomed him to #TheResistance (despite his career being built on songs about his desire to kill various women in his life), and speculated that this was a ploy to distance himself from that other appropriative Michigander, Kid Rock, ahead of his senatorial bid.
Regardless of your opinions on Eminem, there’s no denying that the video affirms with an exclamation point the power of the freestyle. There is simply no more humiliating a way to be owned than via improvised verse, and it’s only a matter of time before Trump tweets out a demand for his fans to spend money on Eminem CDs so they can be performatively smashed.
But what if I told you Trump wasn’t initially the man in Eminem’s verbal scope? Via documents obtained from rummaging around Eminem’s garbage, I discovered that he had been workshopping a rapped takedown of Galen Rupp, in response to his Chicago Marathon Victory.
Here are some select stanzas:
Chicago’s not that cool, if you win it you’re a fool; Detroit’s really great, shoutout Mile, comma, Eight!
Who cares about a race, you got spittle on your face, your shirts got dumb holes, why not just bowl?
Hey Rupp! Pee in the cup! Yeah that’s a rhyme! I do those all the time!
I’m a rapper don’t ya know? So put your hands up and say “yo!”
Marathon? More like mara-YAWN. People find it boring, watch that race, now they’re snoring!
If you’re trying to run fast, don’t look now, you got no a–. Yeah girl.
Galen? More like failin’! If we took a Wonderlic, your tukus I’d kick! Yeah I’m smart go suck a fart!
Don’t look now but your shoes untied. I hate my wife and mom, because they always lied.
Pretty damning stuff. It’s hard to see how America’s top male marathoner would have rebounded from searing riffs like these. But it goes to show, when Marshall Mathers picks up his pen, nobody is safe, and we must all pray for his continued benevolence, lest his ire be cast in our direction.