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June 22, 2018

The Origin and Mythology of French Bread Friday

The following text was fact checked by Shelby Houlihan and Marielle Hall.

Good Friday everyone. I know we usually talk about track here (or basketball for some reason) but today we will be talking about bread—French bread… #FrenchBread. We will be discussing about where it is coming from, people who support French Bread and how it has a Friday.

French Bread is crafted by the Gods—everything they touch turns to bread. And it’s also made from organic all USDA (Universe’s State Department of Agriculture) ingredients that are combined with French Bread God love coming from their kneading hands. (It is worth noting that the French Bread Gods often hang out with the Belgian Beer Gods. Mostly because they bump into one another a lot in the same crop circles because beer is basically just liquid bread.) So the Godly love and the USADA organics are why French Bread is so delicious that you can put it with butter and toast avocados. It is why it is just such a joy to eat. That, and the additional magical powers besoweth on the breadeth deepeth from the loins of the divine. Anyway…

There are people who support the bread. They are often heard saying we the people support the French Bread. They support it because it sustains life and the deep loin powers. People who propound French Bread are people like: Jesus and Oprah. Beyonce is also a proponent for French Bread—how else do you think she got that single ladies donk? Obviously people from France are proponents for it. Ariana Grande is a proponent for Franch Bread, Jim from the Office ‘pones it too. Kanye probably doesn’t. Oprah once proclaimed, “You get bread! And you get a bread! EVERY BODY GETS A FRANCH BREAD!” Because she knows it can cure starvation and hanger. It even inspired the the Disney classic movie the Little Mermaid! Rose wants to be human so she can eat French Bread. And French Bread inspired a whole religion. It. is. supported.

So here we are, wondering how French Bread got Friday. How did it happen? Duh, honey, let me just tell you: it was discovered as truth in an forever-ago song derived from ancient organic Gregorian chants and was recently translated by a wonderful artist called Drake, for everyone to share in and celebrate. The translated title is: Bread’s Plans. A few of the lyrics, divine in their baking, are: She say, “Do you love me?” I tell her, “Only partly.” I only love my bread and my momma, I’m sorry. 12-inch sub, I even got it tatted on me. The original Greg got the bread tattooethed upon his skin he was so serious about it—like yeast down for what? The song continues: bread things. It’s a lotta bread things that they spreadin’ and spreadin’ and spreadin’ and spreadin’ on me. They spreadin’ on me. Yeah, yeah—a lotta bread things. And everyone’s gotten their bread on Fridays since the land before time, it’s the original payday obviously.

But anyway, good Friday everyone. Happy French Bread. I hope you all enjoyed talking about where bread comes from, that people support it and how Friday was the original payday—ie the day everyone got they bread; #FrenchBreadFriday.

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