Last Sunday,I was tasked with a truly Sisyphean effort: to explain the previous six seasons of Game of Thrones to three, particularly prone to out-of-turn shouting, semi-inebriated young adults five minutes before the season 7 premiere. Needless to say, they left our breakout session fully aware of each and every plot twist and turn. We took in the premiere with minimal mansplaining, hardly any “ok but why is she the only one with dragons?” and a collective grief over the Ed Sheeran cameo.
Anyways, that had pretty much no relevance to the meat and potatoes of this article. I mostly just wanted to set-up the premise in which I, along with several other friends, watch Game of Thrones; therefore, you and your friends must to. Which would lead this article to be relevant and important. Game. Set. Match. Post. Hoc. Ergo. Propter. Hoc. BOOM.
Ok, so here it goes: which Game of Thrones character is best suited to race a marathon? Realistically none of them are. Between Cersei’s unquenchable thirst for every vintage the Seven Kingdoms has to offer and Sansa’s unwavering ability to be sidetracked, no character really has a shot at completing 26.2 sans hiccup. Alas, here we go.
Being short lends itself to a host of disadvantages within Westeros, north of the Wall, and really anywhere; however, the marathon is more kind to the shorter crowd. Eliud Kipchoge, of marathon fame, is a slight 5’6”. So, while I like Tyrion’s size for the race, I can’t get past his years of abusing the Lannister crown in the name of a fine Merlot. Tyrion finishes in an abysmal 6:34.
No matter how fast Jaime runs, he can’t outrun his incesstous past. 4:55.
Probably the character with most experience being on the run, this exiled princess may just have what it takes to run a solid marathon. Being a princess does lend itself to some perks, though. Namely, a horse. I don’t trust her bone density after all that time on a steed. DNF.
Petyr Baelish (Little Finger)
If we’ve learned anything over the past few millennia, it’s that cheaters always win. Little Finger gets a ride to the finish in a respectable 3:13.
Good guys finish last. The only likeable character south of the Wall succumbs to his morals and ethics during the race and ends up helping everyone in need on the way to the finish line. They don’t make ‘em like this anymore! 7:20.
Arya’s seen it all: from her dad’s head rolling off the Red Keep to literally her own eyelids (this poor girl went blind for a bit!), nothing can stop this firecracker. I love her panache and her experiences with pain. It wasn’t pretty by any means, but Arya crosses the line in 3:47.
Theon Greyjoy / Reek
Similar to Arya, Theon / Reek has been through the proverbial ringer. But, unlike Arya, Theon lacks panache and is a total coward. He finishes last, while whining. A lot. (“But at least I finished!”) 12:45.
Brienne of Tarth
Never doubt a woman on a mission. There’s no stopping Lady Brienne. She’s an absolute workhorse and I had a teammate in college who looked like her. He wasn’t terribly fast, but I assume he could squeak out a 3:20 these days. 3:20 for Brienne of Tarth!
Pre-Greyscale Jorah would have been a solid bet for a strong finish and potential Master’s record, but ever since he was blessed by the ailment, his chances have plummeted like a stoneman taking a plunge in Old Valyria. It’s undoubtedly hard to run with an arm of stone. 5:39.
Already hairless, Varys has completed half the battle. As a eunuch he’s leaving something on the table, but he seems to move smoothly and avoids altercation. 4:45.
3:50. This actually happened!
This boy gets a division to himself and rolls his way to a 2:03. Hell yeah, Bran.
Sandor Clegane (The Hound)
The Hound hates a lot of shit. Running is one of them. DNF.
Hard to run a marathon, harder to outrun your demons. Bronn ends up in a whorehouse. DNF.