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March 9, 2017

How to beat the NCAA jump favorites

Part two in our ongoing series of how to topple this weekends NCAA titans. Please take all advice with a grain of salt. FIND PART ONE HERE.

THE JUMPS

If sabotage isn’t your thing, then perhaps it’s time to consider cheating.

Since this is indoor track, cutting the course or jumping in mid-race aren’t viable options–things are just too tight, the fields too small. The greatest opportunity to lay waste to your competition through bending of the rules and sleight of hand is in the field events. And if you’re attempting to seal the deal in the high jump, long jump, or triple jump, we have a few surefire ways to leave the favorites scratching their heads.

HIGH JUMP

People to beat: (men) Randall cunningham, (women) looks like a toss up. Ladies,  you’re all more than welcome to this foolproof advice.

The main hindrances to an otherwise great high jump is not jumping high enough to clear the bar.

Given that Texas A&M has the 11th ranked engineering program in the country, it should be no problem for you, an athlete who has qualified for NCAAs in the high jump, to shake down some Manufacturing and Mechanical Engineering student and have them slap together something like what’s pictured on the left.

Do you see? That’s right, you almost missed it. That’s why it’s perfect. A clear, plastic step ladder will help you glide up to the bar like Vanna White, and step over it like ol’ Dick Fosbury intended.  

 

LONG JUMP/TRIPLE JUMP

People to beat: (women) Keturah Orji (LJ, TJ), Sha’Keela Saunders (LJ), Quanesha Burks (LJ) (men) Keandre bates (LJ), Julian Harvey (LJ), Clive Pullen (TJ)

The high jump was as easy as molding a clear plastic ladder and setting it up before you jump. But to really do some work in the long jump and triple jump, you’re going to have to case the joint beforehand. Now brace yourselves, because we’re about to go Hollywood on your ass.

When you get to the venue the night before, you’ll want to bring your engineering friend because the setup of a stunt wire rig they use in movies like The Matrix, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle are completely lost on me. Just show your engineer co-conspirator this video of Neo jumping from building to building and they should know what to do with the Mobile Towers, Steel Decks, Hoists, Trussing, Scaffolding, Drapes, Ship Chandlery, Descenders, Nitrogen Rams, Flying Track, Harnesses and Stunt Mattresses that you’ve secured beforehand.
On the day of your competition, just snap in to your flying girdle and sail to victory like Bob Beamon in Mexico City.

There you have it. If you want to be a winner, take my advice.

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