If we’re to believe the veracity of various municipalities’ slogans, then we must accept the following to be true. Eugene, Oregon is “Track Town, USA.” Sacramento, California, is “America’s Farm-to-Fork Capital.” And slogan-less Walnut, California, has nothing redeeming about it.
These three cities are the prospective hosts for the 2020 Olympic Track & Field Trials. Each of them would make a fine host. Eugene’s slogan is perhaps most relevant. Sacramento’s ought to entice upper-crust track fans. And Walnut can basically morph into whatever is desired of it–say hello to Walnut, CA, “A Very Good City to Host a Track Meet.”
But ultimately, they all fall short for a variety of reasons, and there’s only one locale out there with a slogan so thoroughly convincing, so unrelentingly positive, and so dang self-assured in its ability to pull off the impossible, that you’d be a complete moron to not at least consider it as a possible front-runner for the 2020 Trials.
I’m talking of course, about Disney World — “The Most Magical Place On Earth.”
For reasons that aren’t immediately clear, Disney World has a track. It’s part of ESPN’s Wide World of Sports complex. It’s also not at all clear why Disney owns ESPN, or why a sports TV station that mostly shows football, baseball, and basketball, would need a track. But it’s there. And it’s billed as “world class.”
So the biggest box is checked off the list. (Hey, you can’t have a track meet without a track.)
Moving onward, Orlando, Florida, is a splendid place for sports! With an average July high of almost 92°F, and average low of about 74°F, if you win a race in Orlando, you’re certifiably TOUGH. If you wilt under pressure or oppressive heat and humidity, the Olympics aren’t for you–Orlando weeds out the weaklings automatically. They may not be our fastest national team members but they would certainly be the strongest.
Other perks of Orlando hosting the Trials include:
- Lots of fun off-day activities for athletes and fans alike, like a fake Harry Potter place, a make-believe castle, and a big old fountain
- Walt Disney’s despicable legacy of sexism, racism, and antisemitism, all of which should serve as a constant reminder to spectators to not be sexist, racist, or antisemitic themselves.
- Zesty local cuisine like Micky poppers, mayo-bread-dippers, taco shooters, and burger spheres (“the meat sandwich of the future)
- awards being doled out by animatronic beasts and goblins
- The issue with Eugene or some of the other cities is the lack of hotels for the deluge of people coming into town. Orlando has many of those.
So as you can see, the arguments for Disney hosting the Trials far outnumber the arguments against it (there are none). Case closed. We’ll see you in the funny pages.