Your Race Day Horoscopes
Have you been searching for a reliable running horoscope? Look no further. Let Citius Mag take you on a tour through the Zodiac.
Gemini | May 21st to June 20th
Congratulations, humble Gemini, the star gods decided to let you live through another lunar cycle. Rejoice, but not too hard: showboating is a surefire way to turn oneself into a meme.
Aries | March 21st to April 19th
It’s not the runner closing very hard behind you that you need to worry about, but the rattlesnake crawling around in lane 1.
Taurus | April 20th to May 20th
They say that good things come to those who wait. But if you wait too long, the race will be over and you will still be standing in line for the port-a-potty.
Cancer | June 21st to July 22nd
Look to take a more frugal approach to carbo-loading this year. The Olive Garden Never Ending Pasta Pass, at only $100, is a screamin’ deal. A penny saved is a penny earned.
Leo | July 23rd to August 22nd
For the love of god don’t take your eye off the water barrier rapidly approaching you and ascend its terrifying glory. This is at once a metaphor and real world advice.
Virgo | August 23rd to September 22nd
The anxious mind of virgo is never far from disaster. However, you must put your fears of online identity theft and atmospheric particulate matter aside and run your race.
Libra | September 23rd to October 22nd
You will feel a strong urge to listen to Sade’s “Smooth Operator,” on repeat in the minutes and hours leading up to your race. Don’t deny your soul the smooth stylings of Sade, lest you prefer running like a slug.
Scorpio | October 23rd to November 21st
The best defense is a good offense. A good defense is also a fistful of lethal arachnids. The lustful Scorpio should be no stranger to scorpions, spiders, and in dire circumstances, wasps. None of these tactics are legal under any governing bodies rule book, even the IOC.
Sagittarius | November 22nd to December 21st
Lo! A new wind is blowing, dear Sagittarius! And it’s a stiff headwind screaming NNE that will surely derail any hopes of a strong finish. Tuck in, my friend, or fall prey to the winds of change.
Capricorn | December 22nd to January 19th
It’s a well known fact that Capricorns are prone to puns. Here’s a new one: if Leonardo DeCaprio were a Capricorn, would we have to call him Leonardo DeCapricorn? Eh? That’s a fun one, right? Meditate on that while Mars and your moons go to war against each other.
Aquarius | January 20th to February 19th
Look in the mirror without admiring your reflection and always make sure that your race bib is centered.
Pisces | February 20th to March 20th
In an attempt to alleviate muscle cramping you’ll reach for an old bottle of Icy Hot. In an attempt to apply it symmetrically you’ll accidentally end up with a low grade chemical burn on 90% of your body. Please be careful, Pisces.