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March 15, 2018

Suggestions To Replace Urine Bottles For Doping Tests

On Thursday morning, we stumbled across an article from The Sun and it said that there are growing fears regarding a shortage of anti-doping testing bottles from the Swiss company Berlinger. The bottles have been used for years but came under criticism when Russia managed to find a way to manipulate testing samples by tampering with the bottle seals. A new testing kit was designed for the 2018 Winter Olympics in PyeongChang but now they have ceased production of the kits. The company says it will continue to supply its present customers at their request for a transitional period, in agreement with the World Anti-Doping Agency.

“The Board of Directors of Berlinger Special AG will decide on the concrete arrangements for the company’s withdrawal from the doping control kit segment in due course. Toggenburg-based Berlinger & Co. AG will in future specialize on its core high-tech cold chain monitoring business activities,” a statement read on the Berlinger website.

So…we put it to our panel of idiots to try and come up with options for something notoriously difficult to open that we can suggest:

  • A password protected pdf
  • Pistachios
  • Capri Sun
  • Saran Wrap that’s stuck to itself
  • Non-twist off beer bottles
  • Plastic clamshells aka the plastic containers that some toys come in
  • A Crystal Geyser Alpine Spring Water Bottle (not an ad)
  • A Jewel CD case
  • Have athletes pee into wine bottles and then mess up the cork
  • Cardboard boxes with weakly perforated openings
  • Child proof pill bottles
  • A Cadbury Creme Egg where it’s cracked a little and so some of the creme has dried up on the wrapper
  • Ole bottles of Gorilla glue
  • A Russian nesting doll? You keep opening and opening and you think you’re getting close to the pee, but nope. Just another layer of Russian nesting doll.

WADA, if you’re reading this, we’re filled with as many good ideas as a capri sun full of pee.

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