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January 31, 2018

What your favorite professional runner says about you

You may believe you admire your favorite runner because of their impressive 5,000-meter time, or their comparatively impressive jawline; but, actually, it’s because you connect with the runner on a level that even Freud would consider dubious.


Nick Symmonds (he’s retired, whatever): You call crushing a rack of Natty Light, moshing at a frat house, and challenging everyone at said mosh to a naked 800 at the nearest high school track a good day of training.

Alexi Pappas: At some point you have either gone to a theater production dressed as a runner or on a run dressed as Peter Pan.

Craig Lutz: You are a high schooler.

Ajee Wilson: You will always eat the mystery meat.

Eliud Kipchoge: You have a beautiful, understanding relationship with the universe.

Morgan Uceny: You have a strange, complicated relationship with the universe.

Chris Derrick: You believe Thursday is ACTUALLY the most difficult NYT Crossword Puzzle, not Sunday.

Shalane Flanagan: You are incredibly patriotic, but in like the best, least annoying way possible.

Galen Rupp: You wholeheartedly believe “Old School” is the best movie ever made.

Molly Huddle: You have read and memorized Art of War and will whisper lines in public to anyone who is impeding your lifeforce.

Asbel Kiprop: You forget to come to your own parties.

Jenny Simpson: You have a deep-seated hatred for anyone challenging you, but you are very kind about it.

Taoufik Makhloufi: You get sick at really inconvenient times

Nick Willis: You only get better with age. You are a 1971 Monte Bello Cabernet Sauvignon.

Jordan Hasay: You are hiding a deep secret under a head of fantastic hair.

Bob Kennedy: You’re not a high schooler but actually a 45-year-old man doing some sort of 21 Jump Street thing

Editor’s Note: We’re sorry if you are one of the athletes who has been immortalized in an awful, tasteless, and truly horrific GIF. 

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