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Are you a Massachusetts resident, but not one lucky enough to be getting Monday off from work? Or are you simply a poor who lives in the other 99.9% of the world, which sadly, continues spinning on Patriots’ Day? Resigned to another lousy Boston Marathon that you simply cannot engage with?

No need to pout. Here at Citius Mag, we’ve done all the legwork, and like a mother bird regurgitating masticated worm-particulate into her baby’s mouth, have spelled out how to make the most of your Marathon Monday.

Like most books, marathons are best enjoyed when ingested in small bites, and never start-to-finish. 26.2 miles is a long way to run. It’s also a long way to watch. Skip out on the online broadcast (NBC Sports), and tune into our Twitter.com page (@CitiusMag). I’ll be watching the broadcast (so you don’t have to), and then disseminating pertinent info via Tweet.

Splits. Runners looking “smooth”/”not smooth.” Tasteful cursing. Only on Twitter.

Details on how to watch the broadcast can be found here:

Time: The men’s wheelchair race at 9:02 a.m. The women’s wheelchair race commences at 9:04 a.m. The elite women will run at 9:32 a.m. The men’s elite field and the first wave of runners will go off at 10 a.m.

TV: The race will be broadcast on NBCSN

Live stream: The race will be streamed commercial free on NBC Sports Gold for subscribers with the “Track and Field Pass”

Live results: There will be a live leaderboard on BAA.org

Check back here for updates from Ryan Sterner below:

9:34 AM: That will about do it for us over here. Shout out to our sponsors at Mercury Mile. Please check them out and order some nice clothes for yourself. Until next time.

9:26 AM: They are now playing the National Anthem for Desi, and I am beside myself.

9:16 AM

YUKI KAWAUCHI, THE FARLETK MAN, A BOSTON MARATHON CHAMPION, A BEAUTIFUL BOY.

 

9:12 AM:

DESI LINDEN I’M CRYING

9:11 AM:

YUKI, WHO RAN A 4:37 FIRST MILE, HAS TAKEN THE LEAD WITH LESS THAN 2-MILES TO GO. DESI IS GOING TO WIN. WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN BOSTON?

9:09 AM: OKAY. SO. Desi is going to win. That’s a foregone conclusion. Our boy Kriui is now shitting the bed. His last few miles have been in the 5:2x range. Our boy Yuki Kawauchi is running like a man possessed. Things are going to get interesting as the lead was at 90 seconds is now at less than 10 seconds.

9:03 AM: It’s Kirui, winning by about 90-seconds, but Yuki Kawauchi is in second, and I won’t rule out the possibility of Yuki dropping a handful of 4:30 miles in another strange fartlek surge.

9:00 AM: Desi is about a mile and a half from victory. No one in sight. Chants of USA are echoing throughout the crowd. NBC is cutting to shots of Desi’s husband and he’s grinning like an idiot. We are currently in the best timeline.

8:55 AM:

STONE COLD ASSASSIN

8:51 AM: I think Yuki has surged towards the front of the chase pack again in his ongoing Boston Marathon Fartlek, while Kirui still leads by 1:27. But who gives a shit, because Desi is still winning with less than 5 miles to go.

8:46 AM: Oh my god what is Desi doing? She’s out of her mind. She’s a rocket ship. She is a Lion driving a semi-truck. She’s on a rampage.

Holy shit.

8:44 AM: Chesir and Desi have passed Daska. It’s now a two-woman race and I’m GIDDY. Desi looks calm and collected as they make their way through the final stages of this race.

AS A TYPE AND BREATHE DESI LINDEN HAS MOVED TO THE FRONT. TAKE HER TO THE WOODSHED DESI.

8:42 AM: An update on the men’s race:

Hi @NBCSports you're using the wrong photo for Geoffery Kirui and it's a disgrace. pic.twitter.com/RZLIMyAQp2

— CITIUS MAG (@CitiusMag) April 16, 2018

8:40 AM: Chesir overtakes the longtime leader of the women’s race, Daska, as Desi is baring her teeth in 3rd place. Desi is a dog and she will make this a race to the finish.

Molly Huddle and Shalane Flanagan have become NON-FACTORS.

8:35 AM: Daska looks to be having some trouble now as Chesir is starting to close that gap. Following Chesir is Desi Linden. The feed I’m watching hasn’t panned to the lead pack in a while, so I can’t really tell you where any of the other Americans are, but the leaderboard tells me that Molly is about two minutes behind.

8:32 AM: Kirui has a 15-second lead, and Daska is maintaining about a 20-second lead. There is still plenty of race to go for either, but it’s hard for me to see an outcome other than these two folks winning right now. Let’s actually make that bet: Kirui and Daska will win this year’s Boston Marathon or I’ll eat my shoe. If Galen or Desi or Shalane or Molly wins, I will also eat my shoe.

8:28 AM: Kriui has now had enough, and he has rocketed to the front. Don’t know who Geoffrey Kirui is? Ya turkey, he’s the 2017 Boston Marathon Champion. He knows what he’s doing.

8:25 AM: Galen Rupp is starting to fall off the lead pack. But that man is robotic, and cold, and calculated. I can’t imagine he’d come to Boston to get gassed with an hour left in the race.

8:22 AM: Daska is still leading the women’s race, but Desi is trying to chase her down as Shalane starts to fall off the pack slightly. She has taken off her gloves. There’s a metaphor somewhere in there.

In the men’s race, Yuki is still leading after his most recent surge. Maybe he was using a sort of “boy who cried wolf” technique. They let him go because they thought he’d come back, but alas! he’s making a move they won’t be able to cover.

8:20 AM: My earlier suspision is confirmed, Yuki has to be running some sort of fartlek, because he has no rocketed into the lead. It’s a beautiful dance, everybody. If this guy wins I’m going to go nuts.

8:14 AM: Felix Kandie has taken the lead again. A rebel without a cause.

8:09 AM: American Tatyanna McFadden wins the women’s wheelchair race in 2:04:41. That woman is tough as hell.

8:07 AM: Here are the men’s half marathon splits, you will see no American men in the top-10, but rest assured that Galen, Abdi, and Shadrack are all still there, somewhere.

8:05 AM: Des Linden is now leading the chase pack, as Daska is still about 30 seconds ahead of everyone.

8:02 AM: Yuki Kawauchi looks like he’s running a fartlek. The current workout looks like it’s about one mile on/10 miles off. Let’s see if he can maintain.

8:00 AM: I realize that I have not once said Molly Huddle’s name. She is running a great race so far. She has not had to stop to poo. She has not fallen off the pack. She is poised.

7:57 AM: Daska of Ethiopia is getting antsy again, and she has now taken the lead by what looks like 20 meters at least. It should be noted that it’s still pissing rain. This could be the move that breaks the race open. Other notable updates: Desi is out of the lead pack, but that doesn’t mean she’s out. Shalane, after a quick pit stop at the toilets, has rejoined the leaders. Things are fine.

7:53 AM: The women are through halfway.

7:51 AM: Desi kind of pumped the brakes after Shalane hit the toilets, and they are now working together to get back into the lead pack. They’re not that far off from rejoining. Beautiful teamwork from the two Americans.

7:49 AM: We have our first wheelchair finisher. His name is Marcel Hug and he finished in 1:46. It’s an incredible thing.

7:46 AM: oh no OH NO OH NO SHALANE HAS STOPPED AT THE PORT O POTTIES. BUT IT WAS A QUICK STOP AND SHE IS NOT THAT FAR BEHIND. SPECULATION: WASN’T A POO. UNLESS IT WAS AND IT WAS JUST A QUICK ONE. WE STILL HAVE PLENTY OF RACE OH GOD OH NO

7:45 AM: Hell yeah, we have the first mid-race move by Kenya’s Felix Kandie. Take a look.

7:37 AM: Just kidding, Gladys Chesir has now tucked back into the pack. No move made.

UPDATE: The men are ten minutes through the 10k at this point. I was too busy doing something else to realize. Here are the leaders. Should be noted that rain is still coming down IN SHEETS.

7:34 AM: Gladys Chesir is now making a bit of a move. We’re about an hour into the race, and it seems like a fine time to try to make it interesting. It should be noted that the 25-year old Kenyan is only running in her 2nd marathon. And they don’t make weather like this in Kenya. But I don’t think that’s a reason to count anyone out.

7:28 AM: We have received an unbelievable hot tip: Edna Kiplagat and Galen Rupp are both wearing jackets. At a certain point, I imagine they will want to take those jackets off. However, they have secured their bib numbers over the zipper. What a tedious task to try and unzip that thing.

Also, Galen Rupp has removed his facemask for now. It still rests around his neck.

Also also, here are your leaders at women’s 15k.

7:24 AM: CELEBRITY SIGHTING: Meb Kaflezghi is on the starting line with the regular folks this year. What a legend. He, too, has opted to wear a poncho.

He’s running on behalf of the Martin Richard Foundation.

7:20 AM: The women are running about five wide and three deep down the street. Shalane is there, Molly is there, but so are all the other very fast and successful women. Good thing we have almost 20 miles left in this race.

The men are still being led by Yuki and Evans Chebet. They have a decent gap on the pack, and the metaphor I used earlier about life and running, and nothing happening until your close to death does not apply to this race. These two came out of the womb swinging.

7:17 AM: Take a look at the leaderboard at 5k for the men.

7:14 AM: SPOTTED A BANDIT ON THE COURSE.

7:09 AM: We are approaching 10k for the women, and the pack has thinned out. It looks like there are only about ten women in this lead pack, with Mamitu Daska of Ethiopia leading the way. The commentators continue to bemoan the slow pace, despite probably being in Boston, and understanding how fucking cold and windy it is.

7:07 AM: I realize I have committed a tremendous error. The Japanese man sprinting to the front was Yuki Kawauchi, the sponsorless Japanese Blue Collor Beautiful Boy, and owner of a 2:08:14 marathon PR. His first mile was 4:37. God bless him.

7:02 AM: There is a Japanese athlete that is in a dead sprint right now. His name is Kawauchi. The commentators are saying “I don’t know what he’s thinking.” I can’t imagine this is going to last for very long. But god bless him if he can.

6:59 AM: The men have now started. Galen Rupp is wearing a face mask like some sort of cowboy outlaw. He was also wearing a plastic poncho earlier, the pinnacle of Nike weather gear.

6:53 AM: A couple women on my TV screen are beginning to shed their race parkas as they pass the 5k in around 19:17.

Here they are, your leaders. Not that any of it matters at this point.

6:45 AM: They say that life is a marathon, not a sprint. That’s likely because in a marathon, much like in life, none of what you do really matters until you’re like, 35, and then at that point you’re about halfway to being old. Once you get there, it’s basically just about hanging on as long as you can until you kick the bucket.

All of this to say, that we’re only 15 minutes into the women’s race, and nothing terribly interesting is going to have happened yet.

6:34 AM: I went to the bathroom and came back to find that I missed the start of the Elite Women’s race. They are now at least a quarter mile into it. A few things I see: there’s a woman out front wearing a plastic poncho, the kind you would wear on a Log Ride at your local amusement park. There is another woman that’s wearing absolutely nothing. Just her singlet and a pair of buns; no arm sleeves, no gloves, no hat. This seems like a safety hazard and she should have been stopped.

That’s all for now. I will have more later.

6:25 AM: Just kidding, I’m back sooner than you expected. Mostly just for some quick weather-related observations. Seems like it’s 40 degrees, raining, with 25 mph headwinds. Did you read my previous entry? I live in Los Angeles. I forgot that weather like that existed. If I were running this race and was told that the weather was going to be that, I would drop out.

“There is no such thing as bad weather, just soft people,” Bill Bowerman, talking about me, a softboy.

6:19 AM: Hello. I am Ryan Sterner. I am sitting in my living room in Los Angeles, CA, awaiting the start of this 122nd Boston Marathon. Will you join me? I can’t promise this will be educational, nor informational, but how else are you going to follow along while sitting at your desk? That’s right. I’ll be back in 10 minutes when the women’s race starts.