After our big-boy President came SHOCKINGLY close to tipping the scales at 240 pounds (he weighed in at 239) and thereby being classified as obese, I have decided to, for some god-forsaken reason, offered to help this dumbass.

The most important thing to take into account when crafting a workout regimen for Donald J. Trump is to remember there is not a snowball’s chance in hell Donald J. Trump has ever exercised in his life. Why would Adonis exercise when he was born as Adonis? This man is fragile. This man is putty. This man believes people are born either fit or unfit. Fat or skinny. Athletic or non-athletic. Poor or rich. The concept of change is lost on this most Humpty and most Dumpty man-child.

Dr. Ronny Jackson, the physician administering Trump’s physical, reported our president scored a perfect 30/30 on some cognitive test. Clearly, this is untrue. I think this is one of those situations where we can all just agree we are being lied to. A similar case would be clearly seeing a child take a cookie from the cookie jar, asking said child if he took a cookie from the cookie jar, the petty thief child responding “no,” and you not having the energy to argue the point. I have agreed, on behalf of everyone, to let this one slide.

Dr. Jackson did recommend Trump reel in his high fat and high carbohydrate diet, as well as include some regular exercise. If someone saw the shape of Trump in their peripheries as they walked by him at a normal-to-brisk walk, they would be like “Whoa this guy should reel in his high fat and high carbohydrate diet and throw in some regular exercise.” Dr. Jackson is not giving enough detail here. So, enter me: a dedicated public servant.

Below, I have created a daily exercise regimen for Donald J. Trump.

RECOMMENDED DAILY ROUTINE

5 a.m: Wake up. Drink some dang water. According to the physical, Trump is estimated to sleep about four to five hours per night. Jackson also noted, “that’s probably one of the reasons he’s been successful.” Oh OK.

6 a.m.: Frantically pace (10-15 meters at a time) the room where you are watching Fox and Friends. Take 20-30 seconds between each pace. 60 minutes total. Jackson mentioned that he did not look for any bone spurs, which was the reason Donnie avoided serving in Vietnam. If “none of that stuff’s been bothering him recently” then this should be easy enough.

8 a.m.: Tweet the world news you just learned while watching Fox and Friends from a sauna. Not only will you sweat out the toxins from the prior day’s Diet Coke consumption, but you also may fry your phone. Which would be fantastic.

11 a.m.: As you are briefed by your team of minions (not the cute minions, but these minions), instead of drawing mustaches and eyepatches on Ted Cruz’s photo in the newspaper, do a Sudoku. Before you ask, a Sudoko is not “one of those oriental countries.” It is a game. For your melting brain. Jackson said that he would not be opposed to Donald getting involved in some sort of meditation or mindfulness exercises.

3 p.m.: When your staff lays out your afternoon snack choices, this is an opportunity to exercise some self-control. Instead of grabbing the Kirkland Signature Double Chocolate Muffin (9,000 calories) and your eighth Diet Coke of the afternoon (600 grams of sugar), opt for the apple and juice box. You big-ass baby. Jackson said that Trump was eating much better as President than he used to. He did not limit our president to just one scoop of ice cream.

8 p.m.: For your evening exercise, please undress yourself, Don. This will require great stretching on your part and should limber you up. I can’t imagine you’ve ever done this yourself.

10 p.m.: Eat one (1) Tide Pod.