A few days ago, I asked you on Twitter to help me stage a hypothetical high school cross country race via a low-tech, data-input-fueld “simulator” I made in Google Forms.

You got to choose your runner’s name, team (it was a quad meet between the Dirt Hawks, the Flat Worms, the Tattlers, and The Wild Hogs II), and how fast to run each mile of the three mile race.

In a sense, it was the worst sports video game ever created. But 110 of you decided to play anyway. Here’s how the race panned out.

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Intentions

I thought it would be best to keep the range of possible outcomes for each athlete extremely realistic. After all, why do people play video games if not to experience highly probably scenarios from the perspective of a mildly different person? As such, the fastest possible time you could hit was 15:00 for three miles, run off of a 30-second-per-mile positive split (4:30, 5:00, 5:30) in true high school harrier fashion.

However, you could also test the waters by running substantially slower. That’s what I did with my character (“Short Bobby,” who placed 104th, running 20:00 the hard way after going out in 4:30). At the time, I figured more folks would run their virtual races similarly. Boy, was I wrong.

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The battle upfront

Right off the bat, I realized I’d made a series of errors. For starters, there are only so many possible outcomes within the confines of the few race mile splits I’d afforded challengers. I also didn’t implement a character limit on athlete names.

So what we got was a monstrosity of a race.

Twenty athletes ostensibly tied for the win. That’s right. Twenty of you thought the best use of this emergent technology was to just blast the race simulator from the gun and run 15:00. That said, per the Google Sheet I extrapolated from the Form data, this apparent blanket of 20 finishers did in fact yield a clear victor, and somehow it also ordered the other 19 15:00-finishers into a tidy list by some metric I didn’t bother to look up.

So congratulations to Justin, representing the Flat Worms, who was the meet’s overall champion, on what must have been one hell of lean. (Justin has no last name–this was a common phenomenon: last names were rarely given. Maybe most fictional high school athletes in our imagined region are like Cher and have only one name, or perhaps they’re just very into the idea of personal privacy in defiance of the ever encroaching tentacles of the surveillance state.)

After Justin, things quickly heated up in the team battle, as three Wild Hogs II finishers (Mo Farah, aa, and HC) crossed in spots two through five. In fact, the Hogs pushed seven finishers into the top 20, securing a decisive win with just 24 team points.

It’s worth pointing out that both the Flat Worms’ and Dirt Hawks’ top five scoring runners also crossed the line in 15:00. Team scoring for all but the woeful Tattlers was determined by a series of nanoseconds. But while the Tattlers largely shat the bed, their top two runners compensated with star power, as the squad was led by Steve Prefontaine and Michael Scott.

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The rest of the race

After my initial shock over how 20 of you abused–by my estimation–the power of this simulation to generate some pretty unfeasible results, I figured out why things played out the way they did. Video games are a form of escapism for many. And winning is hard to come by for the layperson. I can’t remember the last time I won something. I’d imagine most of you are in a similar boat. So you tried to outsmart your peers by simulating as fast a race as possible. That makes sense.

What doesn’t make sense then, if we are to view this experiment through the lens of gaming-as-a-means-of-escapism, is why so many of you chose to run a perfectly average, believable race. Evander Malkovich, of the Flat Worms ran 6:00, 6:00, 5:30, for a completely sensible 17:30 finish. While I respect and appreciate the commitment to keeping things rooted in reality, I’m somewhat troubled by folks like Evan and their willingness to be a cog in this sort of worthless thought experiment.

This whole thing was a farce. Going forward, any running simulations will allow for more participant customization to avoid onslaughts of ties, and the sort of names selected by our 12th and 84th finishers. Here are the final, dumb results.

I’m sorry.

Final results

Team	Score
Wild Hogs II	24
Flat Worms	51
Dirt Hawks	56
Tattlers	142

 

what is your name?	which team are you on?	how fast do you run your first mile	how fast do you run your second mile	how fast do you run your third mile	Total time	Place
Justin	flat worms	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	1
Mo Farah	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	2
aa	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	3
HC	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	4
Augie	dirt hawks	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	5
Steve Prefontaine	tattlers	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	6
Julio Montoya	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	7
Danny Napora	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	8
Mike Slack	flat worms	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	9
Taylor	dirt hawks	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	10
Matthew hahn	dirt hawks	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	11
Aragorn son of Arathorn son of Arador son of Argonui son of Arathorn son of Arassuil son of Arahad son of Aravorn son of Aragost son of Arahad son of Araglas son of Aragorn son of Aravir son of Arnuir son of Arahael son of Aranarth son of Arvedui son of Araphant son of Aravel son of Arveleg son of Arvegil son of Angeleb son of Araphor son of Arveleg son of Angeleb son of Malvegil son of Celebrindor son of Celepharn son of Mallor son of Beleg son of Amlaith of Fornost son of Eärendur son of Elendur son of Valandur son of Tarondor son of Tarcil son of Arantar son of Eldacar son of Valandil son of Isildur son of Elendil, High King of all of the Dúnedain	flat worms	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	12
Bo	dirt hawks	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	13
United States	flat worms	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	14
Saul Pnyder	flat worms	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	15
Matt	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	16
Ben	dirt hawks	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	17
South Africa Gatorade Runner of the Year	dirt hawks	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	18
Michael Scott	tattlers	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	19
Tom	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:00:00	20
Micha Ingebritsen	flat worms	4:30:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	21
Benard Legat	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	22
Nick	wild hogs 2	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	23
Stoogie	tattlers	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	24
steven	wild hogs 2	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	25
Cade	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	26
Russel Westbroom	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	27
Captain Hennessy	wild hogs 2	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	28
Riptwix	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	29
Aiden	flat worms	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	30
Josh	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	31
Gabe	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	32
Breydon	wild hogs 2	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	33
HurricaneP	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	34
Justin	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	35
dylan	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	36
Evan	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	37
Tyler Clark	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	15:30:00	38
Alex	wild hogs 2	5:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	39
Kyler Ting	flat worms	5:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	40
Ryan	wild hogs 2	5:00:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	41
monkey	dirt hawks	5:00:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	42
Luke	flat worms	4:30:00	6:00:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	43
Tad McSuperfast	dirt hawks	4:30:00	6:00:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	44
Jham	wild hogs 2	5:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	45
Matt Parker	tattlers	5:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	46
Addybby	tattlers	5:00:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	47
Kieron conway	dirt hawks	5:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	48
Brianne of Tarth	tattlers	5:00:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	49
EA	wild hogs 2	5:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	16:00:00	50
Colinbine	tattlers	5:00:00	5:00:00	6:00:00	16:00:00	51
Matty Ice	wild hogs 2	5:00:00	6:00:00	5:30:00	16:30:00	52
Josh	tattlers	5:30:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:30:00	53
Jacob Gray	wild hogs 2	5:30:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:30:00	54
Ricky Martin	dirt hawks	4:30:00	6:30:00	5:30:00	16:30:00	55
Cornman	dirt hawks	5:30:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:30:00	56
William Anderson	wild hogs 2	5:00:00	5:30:00	6:00:00	16:30:00	57
Tu Faust	dirt hawks	4:30:00	5:30:00	6:30:00	16:30:00	58
Jacob	tattlers	5:00:00	5:30:00	6:00:00	16:30:00	59
Pablo sanchez	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	5:30:00	6:30:00	16:30:00	60
Dirk Vetter	flat worms	5:30:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:30:00	61
Daniel R	dirt hawks	5:30:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:30:00	62
Joe	dirt hawks	5:30:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:30:00	63
Stuart	wild hogs 2	5:30:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:30:00	64
Why is this so fun	flat worms	5:00:00	5:30:00	6:00:00	16:30:00	65
Adam	dirt hawks	5:30:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:30:00	66
Chris	tattlers	5:30:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	16:30:00	67
Bill	dirt hawks	6:00:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	17:00:00	68
Fursnatch	flat worms	5:30:00	6:00:00	5:30:00	17:00:00	69
Dirk Diggler	wild hogs 2	6:30:00	5:00:00	5:30:00	17:00:00	70
Galen Rupp jr.	tattlers	5:00:00	6:30:00	5:30:00	17:00:00	71
Chad	dirt hawks	4:30:00	6:00:00	6:30:00	17:00:00	72
Adam	dirt hawks	6:00:00	5:30:00	5:30:00	17:00:00	73
Kirk Vetter	flat worms	5:30:00	5:30:00	6:00:00	17:00:00	74
Bryan Turner	flat worms	4:30:00	6:00:00	6:30:00	17:00:00	75
Ian Leavitt	dirt hawks	5:30:00	6:00:00	5:30:00	17:00:00	76
Tobert	wild hogs 2	5:30:00	5:00:00	6:30:00	17:00:00	77
Jeffrey Koehler	tattlers	6:00:00	5:00:00	6:00:00	17:00:00	78
Halftite W. Up	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	7:30:00	5:30:00	17:30:00	79
dirty d	flat worms	4:30:00	7:30:00	5:30:00	17:30:00	80
Brad Zit	flat worms	5:00:00	7:00:00	5:30:00	17:30:00	81
Evander Malkovich	flat worms	6:00:00	6:00:00	5:30:00	17:30:00	82
Craig Butz	flat worms	4:30:00	5:30:00	7:30:00	17:30:00	83
The a—– kid from the Wild Thornberries	flat worms	4:30:00	7:30:00	5:30:00	17:30:00	84
chris maienza	flat worms	5:30:00	6:00:00	6:00:00	17:30:00	85
Zach	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	5:30:00	7:30:00	17:30:00	86
Triv	dirt hawks	4:30:00	5:00:00	8:00:00	17:30:00	87
Bj	dirt hawks	4:30:00	5:00:00	8:00:00	17:30:00	88
pablo sanchez	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	5:00:00	8:00:00	17:30:00	89
Ted	dirt hawks	4:30:00	5:00:00	8:00:00	17:30:00	90
Fuck boi Jones	flat worms	4:30:00	5:00:00	8:00:00	17:30:00	91
Sasquatch	tattlers	6:30:00	6:00:00	5:30:00	18:00:00	92
Roid Sharpley	tattlers	5:30:00	6:00:00	6:30:00	18:00:00	93
Skylar	wild hogs 2	4:30:00	7:30:00	6:00:00	18:00:00	94
will	dirt hawks	6:00:00	6:00:00	6:00:00	18:00:00	95
Skinnyfat	dirt hawks	5:30:00	5:00:00	8:00:00	18:30:00	96
Jane Ebooger	flat worms	5:30:00	6:30:00	6:30:00	18:30:00	97
Daniel Dingleberries	tattlers	5:30:00	5:00:00	8:00:00	18:30:00	98
Galen	flat worms	5:00:00	6:00:00	8:00:00	19:00:00	99
Usain Bolt	tattlers	5:00:00	6:30:00	8:00:00	19:30:00	100
Hugh Jaynus	dirt hawks	4:30:00	7:30:00	8:00:00	20:00:00	101
Pre	dirt hawks	4:30:00	7:30:00	8:00:00	20:00:00	102
Boobs	flat worms	4:30:00	7:30:00	8:00:00	20:00:00	103
short bobby	dirt hawks	4:30:00	7:30:00	8:00:00	20:00:00	104
Maryland Gatorade Runner of the Year	flat worms	7:00:00	7:30:00	5:30:00	20:00:00	105
Johnny Bravo II	wild hogs 2	7:00:00	7:00:00	7:00:00	21:00:00	106
Turd Ferguson	wild hogs 2	7:00:00	7:00:00	7:00:00	21:00:00	107
Sad Boy	flat worms	7:00:00	7:30:00	8:00:00	22:30:00	108
RJ	dirt hawks	6:00:00	7:30:00	8:00:00	21:30:00	109
Sad Boy	flat worms	7:00:00	7:30:00	8:00:00	22:30:00	110