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February 28, 2017

Elon Musk, the Eatons and why we sort of think track’s first couple might be headed for the moon

If the 17 million views on an audio-only YouTube video for R.E.M.’s “Man on the Moon” are any indication, people just wanna see somebody put back on the moon.

It’s a fair fantasy!

If modern technology can put unionized cab drivers out of work, help our relatives to share memes online, and enable us to order macaroni and cheese via a button, then surely it can also propel us normal, non-astronauts into space.

Well, the wait is over. South African technocrat, Elon Musk, has announced his intentions to blast two civilians straight out of the atmosphere, and onto the moon, by the end of 2018. And since the announcement, people who weirdly admire Peter Thiel, follow the NASA Twitter account and get baited into arguing with Flat Earthers on Facebook have been a-buzz with speculation as to who will be launched out of orbit!

Well, nerds. We’re gonna stop y’all right there. Because we’ve probably already figured out who will be sent to space and it’s not going to be somebody who hasn’t exercised in years and has a .DOC saved to their desktop called “My Favorite xkcd Comics.”

No, it’s gonna be Olympic medalists and remarkably well-rounded married couple: Brianne Theisen-Eaton and Ashton Eaton.

Going to the moon takes physical strength, profound courage and adaptability…not just a high-powered brain, although both Brianne and Ashton have those too. They’d be natural fits, and require little additional manual training, just technical.

Plus, they’re rich and famous and let’s face it, that gets you basically anywhere you want in life. Plus Ashton’s expressed publicly his interest in space travel.

Ashton is an outspoken Musk fan. From an August, 2016 Oregon Live article, we know that “one of [Eaton’s] idols is Tesla co-founder Elon Musk, whose spirit of ingenuity has inspired the decathlete. Eaton says Musk has an uncanny ability to look at something that other people would dismiss as impossible and figure out a way to make it work.”

He once tweeted about a playlist made by Musk, which you only do if you want the person who made the playlist to send you to the moon, or go to the dance with you. Since Eaton’s married and not in high school, we can assume it’s the former.

Want more definitive, logical reasons on why this speculative statement will prove true? You’ll just have to wait until December, 2018, when the proof will be in the cosmic pudding, and the Eatons are waving down at us from a commercial, private-passenger spacecraft.

Take it away, R.E.M…

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