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April 6, 2017

The Origin Story of Gail Devers’ Nails

She was not born by natural means, rather she emerged from the brackish waters of the Puget Sound in 1966. The banks of Elliott Bay still bare marks from her virgin voyage to land from the depths of the sea. Her nails pierced the beaches from Alki Point to Duwamish Head that day, and evidence remains to this day. For the longest time, archaeologists grew more and more frustrated and flummoxed as they failed to agree on the cause between the deep, perfectly straight quasi-claw marks that riddled the Puget Sound lowlands glacial deposits from the last Pleistocene glaciation. And then, they saw the image on the right:

Somehow, all the archaeologists working on this mystery were in the same place when an image of Gail Devers flashed on their communal television. In unison, they spit up their Ginger Ales and fainted from their stupidity. Once they woke from their carbonated stupor, they were able to put the pieces together and see what had been in front of them this whole time: Seattle born Gail Devers and her nails were responsible for the most unusual markings that riddled the various soils of Northwestern Washington.

No one knows the exact origin story of Gail Devers’ nails, but this has got to be close. Basically, she was born to no man and woman; she was created by forces unbeknownst to mortals and asked to run fast to save mankind. She was not created to answer questions regarding if her nails are acrylic or keratin.

Questioning the authenticity of Devers’ nails is to lose sight of the forest for the trees. I don’t even know if that’s totally true, but it seemed like an appropriate place to toss in an adage. For all we know, Devers has had blue-semicircles for nails since her creation. Any photo evidence to the contrary is not to be trusted.

 

Yes. Her nails obviously look shorter in this Google Image, but I ask you to not trust it. Rather, I ask you to trust this:

And this:

There’s no reason Devers would CHOOSE to have her nails created into claws. It would turn the most menial tasks into some of the more difficult things you could ask of someone.

“Hey Gail. Can you pluck this weirdly long back hair?”

“No. I have claws.”

“Hey Gail. Do you think you could type on a keyboard for me?”

“No. I have claws. I do not need to type on a keyboard for anyone.”

“Hey Gail. Me again. Open this soda for me?”

“No.”

“Hey Gail. Can you hold this ESPY like a normal person?”

To her credit, she has a point. You don’t need to do certain things when you have claws, because you have claws.

Gail Devers is a superhero. She’s the female, three-time Olympic Champion, former-world record holder version of Wolverine*. I honestly don’t think Wolverine ever competed in the Olympics. Which is mind-boggling when you think about what that man could do in the Decathalon. He wasted his talent, Gail did not.

In the eternal question of “Fashion versus Function”, Devers transcended the usual complexities intertwined in that debate and kicked the world’s ass with her Functional Fashion Claws. Fashion will always be subjective, so there will always be people who aren’t fans of Gail’s Nails, BUT from a functional standpoint those nails could not have been more potent. She literally clawed her way to the pinnacle of her sport.

That’s so beautiful.

I don’t really know how to end this piece, because I don’t even remember how I started it, but I’d like to draw attention to the fact that if Gail Devers does not own, operate, or think daily about a nail salon called Gail’s Nails then I’ll be damned. If she does, please point me to the Yelp! Page so I can write the following review:

 

“Nice place. Good decor. Gail can’t do any menial tasks around the salon Which seems fine.”
*Do not @ me about how Wolverine “technically did not have claws, what he had were actually a series of neuromuscular manually-operated sabers.”

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