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May 11, 2018

My friend ices his nuts to be a better runner

Yesterday, I was in the backseat of a car full of friends driving home after some exercise. I was tired and nodding off in the backseat to the chirps and cries of our beloved Cardi B. Her blllllrrrrpppppp’s and whiiiiiiiir’s were the soundtrack to my head slipping repeatedly from headrest to hard, glass window. These semi-traumatic blows weren’t enough to rouse my consciousness, but then I heard whispers in the front seat. Whispers sounding more and more like a rogue LetsRun messageboard as they continued.

Hook. Line. Sinker. This was my great awakening.

The rumblings responsible for my Bodhisattva moment were about icing your testicles. Which, from what I’ve read, is not what was responsible for the original Bodhisattva moment. Cooling off the boys, freezing the jewels, frosting the dice are now part of a broader Biohacking movement. Biohacking used to be reserved for shadowy LinkedIn forums of disgraced former Men’s Warehouse regional managers and their ilk. It was in these dark, sullied crevices where words like ketogenic, SomaPulse, and OxyHealth proliferated and thrived. Now, it seems these fringe ideas have climbed their way from the inferno and slimed their way into my life. I was captivated.

My buddy, now emceeing the first annual BiohackingTEDx, informed us – a captivated audience – that he just started shrinkin’ his swingers. An acquaintance turned him onto this particularly masochistic practice in the name of recovery. There are some science-y reports out there showing cold therapy offer lowers stress hormone levels, decreases inflammation, and aids the body’s antioxidant production. These are all nice things. These are all good things for your body. It would make sense why a human, especially an athlete, would want to these “hacks.” But, at the end of the day, you’re still just sitting on ice trays.

The specific product I’m referencing is actually made in Flagstaff, Arizona (where I live). Here is a photo. It reminds of the Allstate logo but instead of hands providing you a secure, safe place to rest, it’s a cold gel that should feel like wet slush on your testicles. 

The reviews of this product are all outstanding and worth reading, but here is my personal favorite:

THIS IS BANANAS

Stan Z on Nov 19th 2017

I already take cold showers but really glad I got this. Cold showers are good but this does something more & different. I like how I feel the day after chilling. The jetpack is so good I take it with me on business trips. Use the hotel mini fridge!

My dude Stan is tossing his ballcoozie in hotel mini fridges. I demand he makes a detailed list of every hotel mini fridge he has soiled. This is offensive.

Biohacking rests its laurels upon wholeheartedly accepting pseudoscience into your life: eating only fats here, sleeping on Tuesday night, Thursday night, and Every Other Sunday night there, participating in Spartan Races. Here is an easy joke I just came up with about Biohackers:

You: Know how you know if someone is a Biohacker?

Friend/Person on the subway: How?

You: They’ll tell you!

This crowd strikes me as the type that want you to know what they’re doing with not only their junk, but also their gratitude walks and their five-minute meditations. Again – these are all good things. They do no harm and they enhance the lives of the user in some way. That’s beautiful. I’m not here to tell my friend to stop strapping the JetPack to his nether region every night, I’m here to do one thing: point out the inherent strangeness of all these practices and offer no real answers.

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