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November 3, 2017

NYC Marathon Men’s and Women’s Seinfeldia Preview (ALL IN ONE PLACE!)

HELLO from NYC! I am out here in the Big Apple for the week leading the coverage for CITIUS MAG along with Ryan Sterner. So far, I’ve done a fairly miserable job as I missed both male and female press conferences because I went to the exact wrong location. I also have been yelled at twice. I love this place. I bleed for these people.

Sterner arrived today. There’s no way he saves this sinking ship.

I will now do the only appropriate thing there is to do in this situation. I will write men’s and women’s marathon previews while using Seinfeld as my comedic crutch.

MEN

Ghirmay Ghebreslassie, Eritrea

Age: 21

Personal best: 2:07:46, 2016 London Marathon

“The Implant” (Season 4, Episode 19) hinges mostly on debated breast implants. This has nothing to do with Ghirmay Ghenreslassie; however, when George double-dips a chip at funeral reception, all eyes shift to Ghirmay. The Eritrean is the reigning NYC Marathon victor after a strong, impressive performance last year. So, the question is, will he double-dip the chip? Timmy, George’s girlfriend’s brother, berates George for the double-dip on grounds of hygiene. I have a feeling someone on Sunday will get in the way of Ghirmay’s double-dip, as well. Though, it is important to remember, George defiantly does eat the chip.

Food for thought.

Timmy: “Did you just double-dip that chip?”

George: “Excuse me?”

Timmy: “You double-dipped the chip.”

George: “Double-dipped? What are you talking about?”

Timmy: “You dipped the chip, you took a bite, and you dipped again.”

George: “So?”

Timmy: “That’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip. Look, from now on when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it.”

George: “Well, I’m sorry Timmy, but I don’t dip that way.”

Timmy: “Oh, you don’t, huh?”

George: “No. You dip the way you want to dip, I’ll dip the way I want to dip.”

 

Wilson Kipsang, Kenya

Age: 35

Personal best: 2:03:13

In Episode 7 of Season 5, Trinadad and Triboginan runner Jean-Paul visits New York City to run the marathon. He had missed the marathon at the Olympic Games due to an alarm clock snafu. Please see below.

Jerry: So what happened? The snooze alarm, wasn’t it?

Jean-Paul: Man, it wasn’t the snooze. Most people think it was the snooze, but no, no snooze.

Jerry: AM/PM.

Jean-Paul: Man, it wasn’t the AM/PM. It was the volume.

Jerry: Ah…the volume.

Jean-Paul: Yes, the volume. There was a separate knob for the radio alarm.

Jerry: Ah, separate knob.

Jean-Paul: Yes, separate knob. Why separate knob?! Why separate knob?! (frustrated)

Jerry: Some people like to have the radio alarm a little louder than the radio.

Basically, I’m saying as long as Kipsang wakes up before the gun goes off on Sunday morning, he will win.

 

Lelisa Desisa, Ethiopia

Age: 27

Personal best: 2:04:45, 2013 Dubai Marathon

In Episode 21 of Season 5, in a staggering display of self-awareness, George begins to do the opposite of everything he would normally do. Naturally, this produces incredible results. On Sunday, I would like to see Desisa to the opposite of what he’s normally been doing for the past 18 months. He’s either dropped out or run poorly during a globally-broadcast science experiment during that time. That’s bad.

“If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right” – Jerry 

 

Other Contenders Who I Couldn’t Come Up with a Seinfeld Analogy For:

Geoffrey Kamworor, Kenya

Age: 24

Personal best: 2:06:12, 2012 Berlin Marathon

Always contending. Runs focused, like a lion. I think he might win.

That was a haiku.

 

Abdi Abdirahman, USA

Age: 40 years old

Personal best: 2:08:56, 2006 Chicago Marathon

He has risen like a phoenix from the ashes in the past calendar year. It is beautiful.

 

WOMEN

Mary Keitany, Kenya

Age: 35 years old

Personal best: 2:17:01, 2017 London Marathon

“The Yada Yada” (Season 8, Episode 19) places George with a woman who when telling stories forgoes crucial details by replacing them with yada yada.

As in: the gun went off, the runners took off, yada, yada, yada, Mary Keitany won. If Keitany yada yada’d the race, I wouldn’t be surprised. Her 2:17 is far and away the best mark of the field and I would imagine she puts that to the test on Sunday.

 

Edna Kiplagat, Kenya

Age: 38 years old

Personal best: 2:19:50, 2012 London Marathon

In “The Summer of George” (Season 8, Episode 22) George receives a severance package from the Yankees and takes the opportunity to embrace the summer months as his own with a commitment to health. To the contrary, he ends up filling his days with nothing.

After Edna’s victory at the 2017 Boston Marathon and her silver medal at this summer’s World Championships, I hope she has been able to have a Summer of Edna. If she sat back and chilled to the max like George, she may be recovered enough to pop a good one on Sunday.

Jerry: “So, has the summer of George begun? Or are you still decomposing?”

George: “Decompressing.”

 

Other Contenders Who I Couldn’t Come Up with a Seinfeld Analogy For:

Shalane Flanagan, USA

Age: 36

Personal best: 2:21:14, 2014 Berlin Marathon (Third-fastest American of all-time)

A consumate contender, you can’t look past Shalane. After a break from marathons due to injury, she’s been back training at a high level for a while and looking to improve on her debut second-place finish at the marathon back in 2010.

Betsy Saina, Kenya

Age: 29

Personal best: Re-debut

Betsy recently joined up with coach Patrick Sang. He also coaches Kipchoge. This bodes well for her.

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