A lot of our time here at Citius Mag is spent categorizing the performances of people who are deliberately running for an athletic purpose. This marginalizes a large part of the running world. What part of the running world could I possibly be talking about? I’m talking about its origins.

Why did we originally start running? Buddy, let me tell you it wasn’t for ribbons or laurel wreaths. It was because we were about to be killed by a bear, or because we realized we set the pick up location for our Uber a few blocks away and it’s arriving any minute. It’s these moments that give birth to one of my favorite things, one of life’s small pleasures: witnessing people running in street clothes.

Generally, people running in street clothes means that something has gone terribly wrong. But just like anything in life, the severity of any situation runs the gamut from NOT A BIG DEAL to WELL WE REALLY MESSED UP THIS TIME. That’s why I’m here to breakdown this spectrum. I’d like to introduce to you RUNNING IN STREET CLOTHES: A SPECTRUM.

A swimsuit

A piece of swimwear is the closest item of non-running clothing to running clothes. On the “in a pickle scale” this ranks pretty darn low. What possible situations could the person running in a swimsuit find themselves in? Perhaps they accidentally hooked their frisbee into the lake and now they’re running to go get it. Maybe they forgot their sunscreen in the car and are sprinting back in fear of beet red retribution from Father Sun. Either way, it’s not so bad.

Thinking through this a little more, though, lifeguards also wear swimsuits. And if you see a lifeguard running, it’s safe to assume that there’s either a shark in the water, some kid didn’t wait 30 minutes before getting back into the water, or some idiot got stung by a jellyfish and needs someone to pee on his arm.

This one’s tough, I guess, but I’m going to leave it on the most leisurely end of the spectrum.

Cargo Shorts

Nobody wearing cargo shorts has ever been doing something important. If you see some schmuck with cargo shorts past his knees sprinting down the sidewalk this pudding head is probably missing nothing more than a matinee movie or realized he used Canadian quarters to feed the meter.

The biggest risk this one poses is losing the sundry knick knacks that live inside their cargo short pockets. Things like pocket knives, loose change, chewed gum, or live vermin.

Jeans

Here at Citius Mag we’re staunch proponents of deliberately running in denim. That means you put your Wranglers on one leg at a time with the intent of going out and running for fitness and/or sport.

What were talking about here is non-deliberate blue jean runnin’. When you see a guy running down the street with his blue jeans on, a handful of things could be happening, including but not limited to: his foreman called to inform him that the goats got out of the pasture and need to be wrangled; somewhere on the other side of town an old woman was being harassed by teens and he had to go whoop some ass; Brett Favre blew into his conch shell signaling the beginning of his bi-monthly full contact, denim-only football game.

Sunday Best

Why is that nice looking couple bookin’ it down the street wearing pastels, heels, a nice pair of brogues with the sweater tied around their shoulders billowing in their wake?

A few likely scenarios: despite enjoying a perfectly lovely family reunion, they’re now hunting down an epipen because they’re distant cousin with a severe shellfish allergy ate a spoonful of crab dip in a fit of teenage angst; while attending his old roommates wedding, Aiden realizes he is actually in love with the bride, he declares his love in the middle of the ceremony and then takes off down the street while his plus one chases after him.

Conclusion: it must be a big deal if you’re chancing ruining a good pair of dockers with some back sweat.

Suits and Pantsuits

More so than a jilted lover or a man chasing after a rude teen, if you see a man or woman running down the street in a suit or pantsuit the probability that something has gone terribly ary increases exponentially.

We can easily conclude that at the very least they’ve either just lost their job; are about to miss a job interview; possess the answer to a terrorists riddle and are racing against the clock; or need to pick up their bosses lunch before noon or risk being fired.

A Man With a Chainsaw

This guy is about to kill someone for sport. It’s best you find a bunker, an abandoned barn, or try to flag down the nearest car before they succeed in turning you into a skin suit.