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What your favorite professional runner says about you

By Stephen Kersh

January 31, 2018

You may believe you admire your favorite runner because of their impressive 5,000-meter time, or their comparatively impressive jawline; but, actually, it’s because you connect with the runner on a level that even Freud would consider dubious.

 

Nick Symmonds (he’s retired, whatever): You call crushing a rack of Natty Light, moshing at a frat house, and challenging everyone at said mosh to a naked 800 at the nearest high school track a good day of training.

Alexi Pappas: At some point you have either gone to a theater production dressed as a runner or on a run dressed as Peter Pan.

Craig Lutz: You are a high schooler.

Ajee Wilson: You will always eat the mystery meat.

Eliud Kipchoge: You have a beautiful, understanding relationship with the universe.

Morgan Uceny: You have a strange, complicated relationship with the universe.

Chris Derrick: You believe Thursday is ACTUALLY the most difficult NYT Crossword Puzzle, not Sunday.

Shalane Flanagan: You are incredibly patriotic, but in like the best, least annoying way possible.

Galen Rupp: You wholeheartedly believe “Old School” is the best movie ever made.

Molly Huddle: You have read and memorized Art of War and will whisper lines in public to anyone who is impeding your lifeforce.

Asbel Kiprop: You forget to come to your own parties.

Jenny Simpson: You have a deep-seated hatred for anyone challenging you, but you are very kind about it.

Taoufik Makhloufi: You get sick at really inconvenient times

Nick Willis: You only get better with age. You are a 1971 Monte Bello Cabernet Sauvignon.

Jordan Hasay: You are hiding a deep secret under a head of fantastic hair.

Bob Kennedy: You’re not a high schooler but actually a 45-year-old man doing some sort of 21 Jump Street thing

Editor’s Note: We’re sorry if you are one of the athletes who has been immortalized in an awful, tasteless, and truly horrific GIF.

Stephen Kersh

Former collegiate runner for University of Portland and Georgetown, currently a professional runner weighing sponsorship offers from no one. Enjoys using the internet to message Scott Olberding and Paul Snyder about bad story ideas. Does not assume he will work at Citius much longer due to the bad story ideas. He once gave a TED Talk titled "Twitter: How We Are All Just Shouting into a Vacuum" to his best friend and his girlfriend on the beaches of Connecticut.