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January 29, 2018

Is it better to stretch or roundhouse kick your teammate for a set of 10 before a meet?

People still have issues and I’m still trying to provide the best answers I can. They might not be the best possible answers, but they’re the best ones I’ve got. Plus, I don’t think of you as a friend, so I’m not going to lie to you to make you feel better about yourself like your friends would. So maybe that makes me a better friend than your actual friends. Maybe that makes us more than friends. Maybe, we should kiss? No, that’d be silly. But wait, what did you say? I mean, it wouldn’t hurt to. No, you’re right, this is silly and we’re getting ahead of ourselves. But maybe just one…oh, nevermind.

As always you can submit questions on Twitter with the hashtag #askdumbflo or send us an email at [email protected] and hopefully we will be able to change your life.

Just to give you a general run-down of the last week before we get started: Edward Cheserek is still fast (although if I’m supposed to believe the real running fans, he would’ve ran faster if he raced for real), Galen Rupp ran a race (whatever), Laura Muir is rolling, Carlos Villareal broke 4, Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri was just okay and shout out to Shadrack Kipchirchir for his 7:42 and reminder that the WCAP is the most successful thing the military has done in years. Oh yeah, Ethiopians are fast and deep and probably should spread out their talent if they want to make more money. How many races with prize purses could the 7th place finisher have won if he ran at LITERALLY ANY OTHER RACE ON THE PLANET? He needs to fire his agent cause that is absolute shit planning. Although to be fair, $11,500 is a good deal of money and I feel like a person playing Powerball criticizing his choice. Can someone explain this to me? When the lottery prize is at its usual $70-80 million, not many people buy tickets, but when it gets to like $500 million, suddenly everyone is buying a ticket. Who are these people where $75 million isn’t enough of life changing money for them to buy a 2-dollar ticket but $500 million, well now you can do something with that money.

I’ve got a few questions here from some of the Best Followers on Twitter™ and not a lot of time to answer them so let’s hit it.

@Jflovaulting5 (were Jflovaulting1-4 taken?) asks “Is it better to stretch, or roundhouse kick your teammate for a set of 10 before a meet?”

While I don’t condone violence by any means, the number one rule of being on a team is being a good teammate. For example, one time my teammate Chris and my girlfriend Sara became really good friends and would study together all the time. Chris wasn’t any good at class and stuff, so they would study super late. Sometimes, I even needed to drive over to Chris’ house to pick Sara up in the morning because they had studied so late. While it sucked that I didn’t get to spend time with Sara, I realized that Chris remaining eligible was what a good teammate would consider important. Anyways, Sara broke up with me and then shortly after started dating Chris. They’re getting married next May and I wish them the best. I don’t know if any of it would have been possible if Chris didn’t pass that Intro to Business lecture, so I kind of feel like it’s my wedding too. Am I invited? No. But I am responsible for it which is sort of better than being the people getting married, you know? In my book, sometimes it’s better to be the person making other people happy than being the one happy. Kind of reminds me of another guy who sacrificed himself for the good of the team (all of humanity).

So yeah, you should roundhouse kick your teammate in the face 10 times before a meet. Not because it’ll feel good for him, but because it’ll make you feel good and if he’s a true teammate, that’s all that will matter.

From @miamc624 on Twitter, we get a question: “Crocs or Hoka Recovery Slides?”

Good question. Good, good, good question. Mia, there’s a couple benefits to both of these and I’m going to go through them step by step:

Crocs has a special Mario Batali edition which shows that major celebs like their product, but also Mario Batali is a creep so maybe that’s a negative. Crocs come in multiple colors and you can match them to pretty much any outfit, but they’re also Crocs so they’re not really going to blend in so matching is a relative term here. Crocs have a strap on the back to help keep them on your feet while you walk and that’s handy.

Hoka Slides on the other hand are like the Green M&M mascot. Sure, they’re sexier than the alternative, but why are they sexy? Why is this something that needs to happen? What’s the appeal to this thing being sexy? Am I supposed to want to have sex with it? Am I the target demographic of this product? If not, why not? Shouldn’t I, a white male middle-class male, be the target demographic?

Anyways, I say if you’re going to wear a pair of recovery shoes, it’s like sweat pants. Just go with whatever is comfortable and don’t let your naggy girlfriend tell you that you can’t wear them whenever you want, especially when she’s the one who got them for you in the first place.

The next question comes from Internet Bad Girl a.k.a. the Track and Field Tina Turner a.k.a. Slammin’ Sammet a.k.a. the Braid Boss a.k.a. Michelle Sammet. She asks if we know how to use this recovery tool.

 Great question, Michelle and I’d love to help. That is not a recovery tool, it’s a rolling pin. You can use it for this great recipe I found on The Pioneer Woman via How Sweet Eats that I love, and maybe you will too:

“Mix 1 quart of whole milk, 1 cup of vegetable oil, and 1 cup of sugar in a pan. “Scald” the mixture (heat until just before the boiling point.) Turn off heat and leave to cool 45 minutes to 1 hour.

When the mixture is lukewarm to warm, but NOT hot, sprinkle in 2 packages Active Dry Yeast.

Let this sit for a minute so the yeast gets all warm and moist and happy.

Then add 8 cups of all-purpose flour.

Stir mixture together. Cover and let sit for at least an hour. Go throw away the rest of your wrapping paper, take pictures of yourself doing yoga or write up a story for SPIKES for a bit.

Now add 1 more cup of flour

heaping teaspoon baking powder

And 1 “scant” (less than a full) teaspoon baking soda and 1 heaping tablespoon of salt.

Stir mixture together. At this point, you could cover the dough and put it in the fridge until you need it—overnight or even a day or two, if necessary. Just keep your eye on it and if it starts to splurge out of the pan, just punch it down. Or, of course, you can just go ahead and make the rolls.

Sprinkle surface generously with flour.

Take half the dough and form a rough rectangle.

Then roll the dough thin, maintaining a general rectangular shape. Rectangle should increase in both width and length as you roll it out.

Now drizzle 1 1/2 to 2 cups melted butter over the dough. Don’t be shy; lay it on thick, baby. You know you want it.

Now sprinkle 1 cup of sugar over the butter…

…followed by a generous sprinkling of cinnamon.

Now, starting at the opposite end, begin rolling the dough in a neat line toward you. Keep the roll relatively tight as you go. Some of the butter/sugar/cinnamon mixture may ooze out toward the end, but that’s no big deal.

Next, pinch the seam to the roll to seal it.

Spread 1 tablespoon of melted butter in seven round, foil cake or pie pans. Then begin cutting rolls approximately 3/4 to 1 inch thick and laying them in the buttered pans. Repeat this process with the other half of the dough. This recipe makes approximately seven pans of rolls.

Let the rolls sit for 20 to 30 minutes to rise, then bake at 400 degrees until light golden brown, about 15 to 18 minutes.

While the rolls are in the oven, make the deliciously sinful maple frosting.
To a mixing bowl, add 1 bag of powdered sugar.

To this, add about 2 teaspoons maple flavoring

1/2 cup milk…

1/4 cup melted butter…

…and 1/4 cup of brewed coffee. Also add 1/8 teaspoon (a generous pinch) salt.

Then stir it up.

The mixture should be thick but pourable. Taste and adjust as needed.

Generously drizzle frosting over warm rolls after you pull them out of the oven. And take a walk on the wild side. Don’t be afraid to drown them puppies. Be sure to get frosting around the perimeter of the pan, too, so the icing will coat the outside of the rolls.”

Once those are done, go ahead grab a fork, sit on a couch, and go to town. I guess there is something therapeutic about sitting on a couch, eating cinnamon rolls, thinking about how much your body hurts from training because life sucks. So yeah, maybe that ol’ rolling pin of yours actually has been a recovery tool all along…

@CamronRoehl is getting a little personal and wants to know if I “ever use body glide as deodorant.”

I’ll be honest, I never had. But when I got this question, I thought what the hell, you only live once and then you get to hang out with Ted Danson. I took my morning shower before work and instead of applying my deodorant, I applied a nice even layer of Body Glide. Here’s what it was like: I felt weird. All day I could feel how slippery my armpits were. I don’t usually chafe at my armpits, so I was just adding grease to a problem that didn’t exist. It didn’t do a good job covering up smells and I sweat a bit, so it got stinky pretty quick. None of my coworkers thought it was a good idea and most of them thought I meant some sort of bedroom lubricant rather than a chafing aid for athletes when I explained it. Now I’m the creep who puts lube under his armpits at his office and it’s all Camron’s fault. You have made me into the fool and I don’t appreciate it. So, in summary, Body Glide is not a deodorant and I’m no longer the coolest guy in my office. I’m now the weirdest.

Our next question comes from @rmhv0604 on Twitter who wants to know what’s better at IHOP: the waffles or the pancakes?

This is a bit of a curveball, but I’ll do my best. Cause I am the best. You should all fear me. Even if I didn’t wear deodorant one day and made my coworkers think I’m a creep. Also, my coworkers probably do fear me now. Maybe not me, but they do fear being around me.

If we’re going based off the top, the smiley face pancakes at IHOP take the crown, but they don’t let you get them when you get to a certain age (by my studies it’s as early as 14 but could be as late as 22). Also, IHOP is the International House of Pancakes which would seem to indicate that their best product would be their pancakes. But here’s the thing: that’s not always true. Have you ever gone to Domino’s and ordered a pizza? It’s pretty good. Whatever they did with the crust is a huge improvement over what they did before, no question. BUT the best product at Domino’s is their parmesan garlic knots, but they don’t get front billing on the sign.

Think about the USA. I’d argue that some of the worst things we’ve ever done: Walmart, Deep Fried Twinkies, and the film “From Justin to Kelly” all originated here with Americans. Some of the best things we’ve made like JNCO Jeans, “The Room,” and Santa Claus are all some of the best things we have in the country and it’s all thanks to letting in some people who aren’t us. This is what makes our country great. We’re a big melting pot of not just pancakes, but waffles, omelets, scrambles, toasts, and more all coming together to make a great experience. If we were just a house of pancakes, the only TV show would be Big Bang Theory and our only condiment would be Ranch Dressing. We need waffles and so does IHOP. So, I wouldn’t say that there’s any qualifying measure that makes the waffles better than pancakes at IHOP (even though in general waffles rule and pancakes drool) but I will say the fact that the International House of Pancakes has waffles is the best part. It’s waffles.

(Note: This analogy taken further would also be that the IHOP is actually where an old Denny’s used to be, but one day the IHOP people showed up and told all the Denny’s people that the building was an IHOP now but that they could stay in the liquor deli next door but the liquor deli is one of those liquor delis where they don’t really make the sandwiches there and they don’t even give you the option to toast them and also there’s some sort of gas leak getting everyone sick and the guy who managed the IHOP is standing there with a wrench acting like he was none the wiser, but we all know.)

Our final question was sent in by Sarah of Willamette, Oregon. Sarah asks “I’ve been watching this season of The Bachelor with Arie and I only have one question: Arie sucks.”

Yes, he does Sarah, yes, he does.

Missed last week’s edition of AskDumbFlo? Here it is!

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