By David Melly
November 27, 2024
“Shaken, not stirred.”
The world’s most famous martini order was first requested by fictional British spy James Bond in 1956, and over the next 60+ years, became synonymous with sophistication and sexiness in both film and pop culture.
There’s only one problem: that’s actually a terrible way to order a vodka martini. Cocktails are traditionally only shaken when they contain citrus or juice; drinks that only contain spirits are stirred so they don’t get watered down. In essence, James Bond is shaking things up just because it sounds cool, not because it’s going to end in a better drinking experience.
Another notorious Brit appears to be following Bond’s lead. World Athletics president Seb Coe announced last Friday that the “World Athletics Ultimate Championship,” set to kick off in Budapest in 2026, will feature a condensed program of 28 events – 16 track, 10 field, and 2 relays. That’s down from 49 events at the regular World Championships and more compact than the 32 events contested in the Diamond League.
Yet another middle-aged Englishman, CEO Jon Ridgeon, offered this vague explanation: “The Ultimate Championship was developed to bring together the very best athletes from our sport in a selection of events that bring the athletics stadium to life and allow the viewer to see each and every run, jump and throw across three nights of unmissable ‘made for television’ competition. The Ultimate Championship is also a chance for us to really innovate how we deliver our sport, presenting it in new formats and across different platforms which are specifically designed to keep the entire venue engaged, ensuring constant, fast-paced excitement.”
Translation: “TikTok has ruined all you people’s attention spans, so we needed to shorten our program to keep you from changing the channel.”
Whether or not you agree that there are too many disciplines in the average track and field meet, it’s clear that the guys with deep pockets seem to be aligned in this diagnosis. The other two big prize money events announced in 2024 – Grand Slam Track and the Athlos NYC meet – have also made steep cuts to the events they offer. For years, the Diamond League hasn’t offered a 10,000m or hammer throw competition, so this isn’t exactly a recent phenomenon, but if you’re Soufiane El Bakkali or Valarie Allman, your specialty event being knocked out of a $150K-for-first-place competition has got to sting a little.
Some of the changes are understandable if your goal is brevity. (There’s only one event on the track that takes nearly half an hour to complete, after all.) And if your goal is to show “every run, jump, and throw,” cutting out some of the latter two categories – which account for four time-consuming events each – does make sense from a TV producer’s standpoint. And while Americans love the 4x400m, the other 190-odd nations in the world probably aren’t thrilled with the idea of coughing up $300,000 for two events with more or less predestined outcomes.
Other changes are more like a shaken martini: different, but not better.
In a wildly confusing decision, only the men will throw the hammer and only the women will contest the triple jump. In a sport where, among our many flaws, we can always point to gender parity as a strength, it feels strange and arbitrary to not include both categories or neither. The omission of both shot puts, as well, feels like a huge missed opportunity to feature one of the biggest stars of the sport – Ryan Crouser – and one of the most surprising events of the Paris Olympics, where the women’s podium did not feature the reigning World champion, Olympic champion, or World Indoor champion despite all three athletes competing.
And then there’s the mixed relays. Clearly one of the higher-ups at World Athletics thinks that the mixed-gender relays is a SUPER DUPER FANTASTIC IDEA that just needs more opportunities to capture the hearts and minds of athletics fans, because they keep serving us more and more weak martinis at the top of championship programs and expecting us to say “why, thank you.”
The mixed 4x100m is a particularly terrible idea. Given the historic challenges that the best sprinters in the world face in getting the stick cleanly around the track, adding in the element of different speeds and unfamiliar teammates will only lead to more botched handoffs and dropped batons. And the best case scenario is still just a battle between Jamaica and the USA that ends in an even-more-meaningless time than normal.
Stupid name aside, the Ultimate Championship presents a great opportunity to offer something new and different. But if the benefit of the changes it proposes aren’t self-evident, it’s incumbent on meet organizers to articulate the method to their madness. Adventurous drinkers and sports fans alike love to try something new, but “variety for variety’s sake” is never going to leave a satisfying aftertaste.
David Melly
David began contributing to CITIUS in 2018, and quickly cemented himself as an integral part of the team thanks to his quick wit, hot takes, undying love for the sport and willingness to get yelled at online.
